10 things you should never say to your children

When we talk to our children, it’s easy for us to say common phrases like “Practice makes perfect” or “You’re okay.” But it turns out that not all of these common proverbs are the most helpful. While it’s impossible to never say these words to your kids, it’s beneficial to understand why these phrases aren’t the most productive things to do.

Read on for 10 sayings that may do more harm than good, why you should avoid saying them to your kids, and what you should say if you want to raise a happy kid.

“here you go.”

Research shows that dishing out generic compliments like “good girl” or “good job” every time your child masters a skill makes them dependent on your affirmation rather than their own motivation, says parents Consultant Jenn Berman, Psy.D., Your A to Z guide to raising happy, confident children. This is known as the ego-deflation hypothesis, which suggests that excessive praise sets unrealistic standards and ultimately lowers a child’s self-esteem.

Instead of providing excessive and vague positive feedback whenever your child accomplishes something, give praise when it’s truly necessary and be as specific as possible. Being specific can help them recognize that. For example, you could say “That was a good assist. I like the way you looked for your teammates, rather than ‘super play.'”

“Practice makes perfect.”

Typically, the more time a child puts in, the sharper their skills become. This motto can also increase the pressure they feel to win or excel. “The message is that if you make a mistake, it’s because you didn’t train hard enough,” said Dr. Joel Fish, author of 101 Ways to Be a Great Sports Parent.

Instead, encourage your child to work hard because they will improve and be proud of their progress. They should focus on incremental milestones rather than perfection. For example, try saying, “Practice piano so you can finish learning your favorite songs.”

“Are you okay?”

When your child scrapes their knee and cries, your instinct may be to reassure them that they are not seriously injured. But telling them they’re fine may just make them feel worse. “Your kids are crying because they’re not okay,” Dr. Berman said.

In that moment, you can best help your child by showing them how to understand and process their emotions, rather than ignoring them. Try giving them a hug and acknowledging their feelings by saying, “That was a terrible fall.” Then ask them if they want a bandage or a kiss, or both.

“hurry up!”

Your kids drag their feet through breakfast, insist on tying their own sneakers (even though they haven’t quite mastered the technique yet), and are running late for school again. But pushing them to move forward creates additional pressure, said Dr. Linda Aredolo, author of baby mind.

Soften your tone a little and say, “Let’s hurry up.” This sends the message that you two are on the same team and you are both working towards the same goals. You can stop them from “rushing” by reframing it as a task that you both need to solve, and make sure to ask if they need help.

“I’m on a diet.”

If your children see you standing on the scale every day and hear you talk about foods related to your body image, they may Developing an unhealthy body image.

Instead, think of food as an important building block of energy and nutrition. Avoid using food as a reward or discussing food in relation to your body image. You should also stop labeling foods as “good” or “bad.” This will help your child develop a healthy relationship with food and prevent them from eating disorders.

“We can’t afford it.”

It’s easy to say “we can’t afford it” when your kids come to you for the latest toy, but doing so sends the message that you have no control over your finances, which can be scary for your kids. Says Jayne Pearl, author children and money.

Choose another way to communicate the same idea, such as, “We won’t buy it because we’re saving money for something more important.” If they insist on discussing the issue, you have a perfect opportunity to start discussing how Budget and manage funds. You can even help them learn to budget by providing them with household chores and showing them how to manage their pocket money.

“Don’t talk to strangers.”

This is a difficult concept for young children to understand. Even if a person is a stranger, they may not think of him as a stranger as long as they are friendly. Additionally, children may misinterpret the rule and resist help from emergency officials they don’t know, said Nancy McBride, executive director of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, Florida field office.

Instead of warning them about strangers, present scenarios such as “What would you do if someone you didn’t know offered you candy and a ride home?” and have them explain what they would do. Once you know how they would handle the situation, you can guide them into taking the right action.

“Be careful.”

Saying this while your child is balancing on the monkey bars can actually make them more likely to fall. “Your words distract them from what they’re doing,” says Deborah Carlyle Solomon, author of Baby knows best.

If you’re anxious, spot them close enough to prevent them from falling over and stay as quiet as possible. Keep them focused and provide support when needed.

“No dessert until you’ve finished dinner.”

Avoid saying this at dinner as it will increase your child’s perceived value of the food and reduce their enjoyment of the meal itself, say parents Consultant David Ludwig, MD, PhD, director of the New Balance Foundation Obesity Prevention Center at Boston Children’s Hospital and author of “Ending the Food Fight.” Food should not be used as a reward or withheld as a punishment, and teaching this mentality to your children will lead to them developing unhealthy eating habits.

Tailor your message along these lines: “First we have dinner, then we have dessert.” The change in wording is subtle but can have a more positive impact on your child.

“Let me help.”

When your child is working hard to build a tower of blocks or complete a puzzle, it’s natural to want to help them. No. “If you intervene too early, you can damage your child’s independence,” said Dr. Raise a thoughtful child.

Instead, ask leading questions to help them solve the problem: “Do you think the big or small pieces should go at the bottom? Why do you think so? Let’s try it.” Not only does this help foster their independence, it also builds confidence.