When Elizabeth Cohen was recently divorced, she often heard responses like: “Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” “This is so bad,” and “Are your kids okay?”
These were the words she least wanted to hear. She felt these reactions reflected other people’s opinions and judgments rather than truly listening to what she was going through. “[Insead]I want someone to say, ‘You’re so brave…what does this look like for you? How can I support you?
We spoke with Dr. Cohen, also a psychologist and author of The other side of divorce: discovering the new youabout common phrases that saying things to a divorcee can actually be hurtful (even if you mean well) and what you can say about them.
Potentially problematic phrases
1. I’m very sorry.
While this may sound compassionate, it only assumes what a person’s experience is like rather than listening and understanding where they are coming from. “A lot of people leave relationships that aren’t working for them, and that’s actually a very strong act and something to be respected and taken seriously,” Cohen told Horrible Mom. “Saying ‘I’m sorry’ means it’s a bad thing.”
2. How are the children doing?
This question puts the focus on the child rather than the person you are talking to and may also appear critical. “A lot of people are afraid of divorce because of the impact it will have on their children, so I was concerned that this kind of question might be perceived as accusatory,” Cohen explains.
3. I never liked them anyway.
This statement may seem unsupportive or even insulting, as if you are questioning your friend’s judgment. “It’s basically rubbing salt in the wound and saying, ‘Why did you stay so long? [person] Too bad.
4. You look happy together.
Another unsupportive phrase might imply: Why do you want a divorce? Why did you make such an impulsive decision? “It’s like you’re not really thinking about why,” Cohen said. “I think it takes seven years on average for people to finally leave…so the thinking is [divorce] Speaking impulsively is extremely inaccurate.
5. Have you tried solving this problem?
This sends the message that if you had tried harder, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. “This obsession with staying the course or avoiding closing the situation and speaking out is really a cultural issue,” Cohen said.
6. Would you consider dating or marrying someone else?
If someone felt betrayed in a previous relationship, they may not consider pursuing intimacy again now. “These questions show people’s discomfort with being in the unknown,” Cohen shared. They miss the point of support. One more thing? Not everyone wants to be in a monogamous relationship, so this question isn’t particularly inclusive.
7. I got divorced and it was the worst.
This can lead to invalidating your experience and projecting your own experience again. This may mean that you haven’t dealt with your own frustration and are projecting it onto your friend.
8. Have you got the house?
Anything to do with finances should be avoided. The focus should be on whether the person feels safe, not how much money they receive or how much material they are able to keep.
9. If you need anything, please let me know.
When someone is going through a divorce, they have a lot on their plate and it can be difficult to ask for help. While the sentiment behind this is thoughtful, it might be more helpful to say to a friend, “How can I best support you? What do you think you need right now?” If your friend says they don’t know, offer specific ideas, such as taking care of their kids, bringing meals or groceries, or helping with laundry.
Phrases to try
Bottom line: Avoid black-and-white statements or questions that require a yes or no answer. Ask open-ended questions to encourage your friends to share more.
Some of the phrases Cohen uses when acknowledging someone’s experience while also being their cheerleader include:
- “You are so brave.”
- “Your children are lucky to have you.”
- “You’re not alone yet.”
- “You’re going to get through this.”
- “How can I support you?”
- “What’s that like for you?”
- “What do you need me to do?”
- “What do you want to share?”
Cohen said these provide a safe space that allows for nuance rather than judgment. “They let people … know they can come back to you if they need more support.”
