Moms-to-be caught up in family drama over baby names

As the mom of a child with my grandmother’s middle name, we all know that family can play a big role in choosing a baby’s name. Not surprisingly, a recent survey conducted by Ancestry.com revealed that 20% of parents said their choice of name was inspired by family or ancestors. That’s according to Crista Cowan, a genealogist at Ancestry.

Sure, it’s a sweet nod to the family tree, but using last names can sometimes bring drama. Such was the case for one Reddit user, who shared in a recent post that the prospect of using her husband’s grandmother’s name was causing a rift in the family.

Mom feels forced to use family baby name

The feud began when she was considering a meaningful nickname for her soon-to-be-born daughter.

“I feel like we haven’t really come to a definite conclusion or anything,” she confided in the post, going on to share that her husband shared the idea with his dad, though.

The creator said her father-in-law was “very excited” and believed the couple definitely intended to use his mother’s name. Her father-in-law also broke the news to the rest of the family prematurely. “They are all getting emotional too,” the mother-to-be wrote in the post.

To complicate things further, she shared, “Since that interaction, whenever I try to discuss other baby name ideas, my husband gets upset and says it would be weird if they used another name. Broke his father’s heart”. Even using this name as a middle name would not be appropriate for flying with her husband.

So, with this mom still undecided on her decision — and with a name she’s loved growing up — this Reddit user basically said she’s feeling stressed and guilty about the situation.

Not surprisingly, commenters have ideas. Many believed the woman’s partner was putting his family’s feelings ahead of his wife’s – which isn’t cool on Reddit.

One commenter said: “Your husband may be upset, but he won’t emotionally manipulate you into making a decision about a name you may not want.”

There was also concern that if she gave in, “it would create resentment in your relationship in the long run” and “might reinforce in your husband the idea that: [type of behavior] is acceptable.

There’s obviously a lot to unpack here, so we turned to some experts on baby names and family dynamics for help.

Baby name pressure is real

Colleen Slagen, a baby name consultant in Boston, Massachusetts, has some simple advice for anyone facing a similar situation to the Reddit user: “If you don’t like the last name, don’t use it!”

Regardless, it’s probably not a good idea to share your child’s name with certain people before the baby is born. “I do recommend sharing your baby’s name with someone for a gut check, but you know your family and whether you can handle their feedback, so take that into account,” Slagan advises.

Tammy Gold, LCSW, MSW, CEC, a licensed therapist and parenting coach, agrees and advises new parents, “If the feedback may be disturbing, please do not share it.”

Setting boundaries may be uncomfortable, but they are necessary

Regardless of whether you decide to share your baby’s name with your grandparents (surname or not), setting boundaries with your extended family when it comes to pregnancy, birth, and raising your child is not an option. Of course, this is easier said than done!

But according to Gold, expectant parents should feel empowered to create their own set of values ​​for their new family, which can undoubtedly be uncomfortable and emotional.

Perhaps Emma Giordano, LMHC, group services coordinator at Empower Your Mind Therapy, describes the issue helpfully: “Boundaries are not about telling people what they can and cannot do in your relationship.” Instead, they are about what if What do you do when another person crosses the boundaries you express to them.

The key is to be consistent with your significant other. “It’s important to agree with your partner on couple boundaries and how to address those boundaries with your family,” Giordano says. parents. In this case, discussing with your partner who he or she can share the future baby’s name with and when can avoid potential heartache later on.

Giordano advises that if that bridge has been crossed and a family member’s opinion becomes disturbing, “you have to be clear and direct about what you feel uncomfortable with what they did and what you would do if they continued to do it.” What. One possible consequence could be not sharing information about the pregnancy until the situation improves.

How to Disappoint Your Family Easily

Peta-Gaye Sandiford, LMHC, a mental health counselor at Empower Your Mind Therapy, recommends reassuring families that you will do your best to enhance the relationship between them and their baby—yes, even if you No Follow grandma’s name! “Shift the focus to the active role they play in babies’ lives, because babies mean more than their names,” says Sandiford.

Plus, ultimately, the baby’s name is the parents’ decision—and in some cases, grandparents may be disappointed. Michelle Hunt, LMHC, NCC, Director of Neurodivergent and ARFID Services at Empower Your Mind Therapy, offers the following advice for parents who find themselves on the receiving end of hurt feelings from a family member: Let them know not to choose the name “No” and not to change how you feel about them. or family name respect – and you want your and your partner’s choices to be respected.

The bottom line is, as Gold points out, it’s not good for the pregnancy if the baby name conversation causes stress, which is another point that should be conveyed to families.

If you’re considering a surname for your baby, here are some tips from the experts we spoke with:

• Learn more about the lives of family members. Knowing where they lived, what they did for a living, who they married, and more can add a layer of meaning to the name and its legacy.
• Consider using this name as a middle name.
• Just look at the names for inspiration. For example, the state of Georgia retained the name after great-grandfather George.
• Consider using a last name and choosing a cute nickname for everyday use.
• Remind your significant other that if the baby has their last name, you should absolutely have a say in the name.

Finally, Giordano says both parties must agree on the baby’s name (note: grandparents can’t agree either!). Sandiford said if calm, respectful communication is not possible parents“Seeking counseling may help find ways to resolve stressful situations.”

Hunter agrees, saying, “Couples therapy can help learn communication strategies that can help move the partnership forward through support and teamwork.”

After all, naming your baby is just the beginning of the parenting challenges ahead!