Think of me as the ghost of future parenthood. I’m here to tell you that while it’s lovely that you’ve worked so hard, read so many articles, watched so many Instagram Reels, and developed a truly purposeful parenting strategy, most of your parenting is Well thought out and well researched.
When our children are little, it feels like we have absolute dominion over their little lives. We choose what they eat, what media they are exposed to, when they go to bed—all of it. But at some point, your control (to the extent you once had it!) starts to slip. Who knows what they were exposed to in school, at summer camp, on the sports field?
Language you find offensive, political opinions that make you sweat and tremble, unfortunate fashion choices, strange ideas about religion; your children will be exposed to the outside world. It may seem like your influence is strong, but twenty years are coming and all your careful planning will fall by the wayside.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re feeding your kids an organic vegan diet or feeding them Big Macs. When they are 12 years old, they will eat what their friends eat. If Taquis is the go-to snack at school, your little one will demand it. Maybe the cool kids won’t fill their knock-off Stanley water bottles with anything but blue Gatorade or insanely expensive coconut water. Whatever it is, it’s what your child wants. Years of meticulously preparing food will be left behind.
Hate to bother you, but food is the most important thing. You may find that children who used to only watch anime and nature specials are now clamoring to stay up late to watch them Bachelor and asked for a ride to the theater to watch the latest horror movie. Of course, it’s not the scary things themselves, but rather “how” they choose these activities. It all boils down to this: Over the next few years, your formerly adorable children will pay little attention to anything you say or do, and instead will bravely pursue whatever fads their peers like or pursue.
You may be wondering what you’re doing wrong, and the answer is: nothing. Everything you did was right. Your only mistake is to believe that your influence stands firm against the domination of teenage words, fashions, and behavior. Don’t despair. Puberty doesn’t last forever, it just feels like it does. One day your child will be recognized by you again. They might even stop rolling their eyes at every word that comes out of your mouth. After all, you probably drove your own parents a little crazy when you were a kid.
In this modern world, we’ve turned parenting into an Olympic sport, filled with training manuals and daily check-ins to see who’s at the top of the leaderboard. We seem to have come to the wrong conclusion that micromanaging will ensure the results we desire. But that’s just a statement of our collective anxiety. It turns out that all the guidance and supervision in the world isn’t going to fix the bad things our kids will experience and maybe even instigate.
So let’s all try to relax a little. Don’t let your kids eat brownies for dinner, nor Banning sugar from your home will lead to years of eating disorders. If your child wants to dye their hair purple, follow your instincts and realize that any answer you give is unlikely to affect their ability to become successful adults. (Side note: purple hair is cool.)
If you raise your children to be thoughtful, maintain healthy boundaries, and question what they hear, your influence and the influence of their peers will eventually balance out. But know that your child may look and act like a stranger for the next few years.
Julia Williamson is the mother of two mostly adult daughters. She’s a freelance writer, a decluttering wizard, and a die-hard optimist, no matter what reality brings. Read more in her weekly newsletter, family and other freaks.
