I remember my eldest son waddling up and down the beach a few weeks after his first birthday. He wandered in the sand for a while, then walked over to a pair of brothers who were building a sandcastle. The scene was like something out of a storybook: Mom and Dad sat in chairs enjoying a casual conversation while their two sons (approximately 4 and 6 years old) laughed and worked together to build a creative and well-structured castle.
At that moment, baby fever crept up and I thought, wow – two years is a perfect age gap. Turns out boy, was I wrong.
While there are some unique relationships between my now 11-year-old and 9-year-old sons, raising them with a two-year age gap feels far from perfect most of the time. Since the birth of my second son, their dynamic has felt stressful, contentious, and most importantly, loud.
Raising a two-year-old and a newborn is like being a lion tamer with only one arm and little sleep. The energy required to keep up required me to be the Olympic version of myself in every aspect. Caring for an active toddler and an infant is taxing and exhausting. I was sleep-deprived, hormonal, and living in a postpartum fog. The fact that the three of us were at home all day counting down the days until my husband came home to help out was an absolute miracle that we made it through the first few days.
Then my younger son learned to move around and my older son learned to be more independent and try more death-defying tricks. As you can imagine, this leads to a less secure situation. Like the time I took them to an indoor pool and the baby crawled out of his car seat and almost into the shallow end while I moved quickly to prevent my child from jumping off the tall lifeguard chair into the deep end. Every day feels like a version of Jumanji, with both of my sons committing dangerous and heinous acts while I try to keep them both alive.
Now, they have some basic ability to protect themselves. But what has not weakened is noise. For the past nine years, our house has grown beyond our imagination. Of course, we added two younger sisters into the mix (with a slightly larger age gap), but most of the noise was caused by the boys. When they were toddlers, they played intense games like WWE and Crash. They spent summers playing pool basketball in the backyard with friends, the sound of which filled the neighborhood. Now, they stay up all night watching sports, cheering and yelling loudly for their teams, and I remind them that their sisters are sleeping and not actually at the Bryant-Denny Football Stadium in Alabama .
But the biggest problem is always the controversy. Because when I see these two brothers building that sandcastle, I want to have another kid as soon as possible to provide him with a built-in best friend. Instead, I created Batman and the Joker.
While they get along well with their sisters and peers, the frustration they cause each other is truly unparalleled. Despite all of my best speeches, punishments, and rewards, I couldn’t seem to reconcile their relationship. Sure, there were times when I would quietly catch them playing catch or laughing at the same joke, but overall it was a challenging relationship to watch, nurture, and be there for. This is really bad.
So while those brothers on the beach seemed like the perfect pair, I wondered if I just captured them in one of their few moments alone. Because while a two-year age gap is common in families, it can also be very, very difficult. I think it’s important to be honest about this. I’m here and you’re not going to fall into a fairy tale because it’s going to be a shit show.
step is a former lawyer and mother of four who often swears. Find her on Instagram @sammbdavidson.
