Should you cut yours off?

For many of us, our relationship with our parents is our primary relationship. Words like “unconditional love” are often used to describe the love a parent has for their child (and hopefully vice versa). However, family dynamics are complex, fluid, and sometimes fraught.

Famous families are not immune. In a recent article wall street journalActress Heather Graham has detailed her 30-year estrangement from her parents because they disapproved of her career choice.

Recently, Elle King’s daughter saturday night live Alumnus Rob Schneider has spoken out about distancing himself from his father, calling his behavior “toxic.” Shiloh, the third child of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, petitioned the court to remove “Pitt” from her last name.

On TikTok, there is a trend of people “cancelling” their parents, which has caused controversy on X (formerly Twitter). “I understand adult boundaries, and I even understand crazy no-contact situations,” wrote a user named Ellie. You seem like a good person.

But why do people cut ties with their parents—and when is it okay to do so? There are no hard and fast rules, but mental health experts can provide insights to help you understand the reasons behind family estrangement, how to cope with fraught relationships, and ways to break the intergenerational cycle in your own parenting.

How common is parental alienation?

Celebrity experiences don’t always reflect everyone’s experiences, and the same goes for social media. How common is it to be cut off from parents?

“While it’s difficult to pinpoint exact statistics, it’s not uncommon for young people to consider a complete break with their parents after a relationship breaks down,” says Catherine Nobile, a New York-based psychologist and director of Nobile Psychology.

A YouGov poll did find that more than a quarter of Americans are estranged from their immediate family. Eleven percent of them were estranged from their parents. The poll found that rates of family alienation were higher among men aged 30 to 44 and among the LGBTQIA+ community.

Why some people cut ties with their parents

Childhood experiences can have lasting effects, and it can take a while for people to digest them.

“Children may feel the need to cut ties with their parents because of certain childhood experiences, which may involve trauma, poor communication, or unhealthy family dynamics,” says Card, LMFT, director of the Young Adult Family Program at Newport Healthcare. Carly Harris said. “These experiences can lead to feelings of alienation, frustration, and even resentment. If the child feels they have done everything they can to improve the relationship but still see no progress, they may decide to cut off the relationship entirely.

Additionally, as children grow, they become more independent and develop their own worldview. As a result, they may come into conflict with their parents—sometimes more violently if there are serious disagreements. They also have the freedom to sever ties.

“As they enter adulthood, they tend to become more confrontational about conflict, especially if there’s already a long-standing strained relationship,” Dr. Nobile said. “Struggles over different values, unresolved conflicts or dysfunctional dynamics may cause some young people to feel the need to distance themselves.”

Signs of a Toxic Parent

Words like “toxic” (along with narcissism and gaslighting) are often used on social media as reasons for people to cut ties with family members. Sometimes these words are misunderstood or misused. However, this does not mean that toxic parents do not exist.

“Yes, unfortunately, family members can be toxic,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Jeanie Y. Chang, LMFT, CCTP. “Some people have experienced family members being the most toxic people in their lives.”

Joel Frank, Psy.D., a practicing psychologist at Dual Sexuality Services, says signs of toxic parenting include:

• manipulate: Using guilt or manipulation to control behavior.
• Constant criticism: Often belittles or criticizes children.
• Lack of empathy: Unable to acknowledge or validate feelings.
• Control behavior: Try to over-control your child’s decisions.
• Emotions are not available: Emotional distance or unresponsive parenting.
• Gaslight manipulation: Denying or distorting a child’s reality, causing them to question their own experiences or feelings.
• preference: Consistently favoring one child over another.
• Boundary violation: Repeated disregard of privacy or personal restrictions.

The behavior of a toxic family member can have a negative impact on a person. These strategies stifle independence and self-esteem, foster mistrust, and leave children feeling misunderstood and ignored, Dr. Frank said.

What to do about toxic parenting

While the excitement of TikTok may celebrate parents who cancel their children, dealing with fraught relationships can be harmful and challenging. Mental health experts offer helpful advice, including the importance of self-care and breaking generational cycles.

Validate your feelings

Your parents may not approve of your feelings, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t true or appropriate.

“If you have a toxic parent, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings,” says registered psychologist Holly Schiff, PsyD.

Those emotions can range, including guilt, sadness and anger, Harris said.

“Addressing these issues can be part of your recovery journey,” Harris adds. “Children of toxic parents often feel powerless, so therapy may seem like an exercise in validating their own experiences and emotions.”

seek support

Being alienated can feel lonely, but you are not alone.

“Seek support from other people, such as friends, family, or support groups,” Dr. Schiff says. “Consider therapy with a professional to explore your feelings and develop strategies for dealing with your parents. You can also learn healthy coping skills and how to practice self-care.

Practice self-care

It can be easy to forget about yourself by focusing too much on your relationship with your parents. However, Harris said self-care is especially important during these times.

“Engaging in activities that support mental and emotional health, such as physical activity, can help you learn how to move forward in a way that prioritizes your health,” Harris shared. “Above all, focus on the things you can control.”

Set boundaries and communicate assertively

Sometimes, cutting off completely is undesirable—at least at a given time.

Dr. Frank says boundaries protect you and provide clarity for you and your parents.

“If a parent frequently criticizes a child’s life choices, the child may say, ‘I value our relationship, but I need you to respect my decisions. If that doesn’t happen, I need to withdraw from the conversation,'” says Dr. Frank.

Dr. Schiff also recommends using “I” statements, which can open up a conversation about your needs or set boundaries, reducing the likelihood of a defensive reaction from a parent.

Limiting exposure may also help. “Reducing interactions can keep a person mentally healthy by minimizing exposure to toxic behaviors,” Dr. Frank said. “For example, a person might decide to call their parents once a week instead of every day and communicate this change to their parents.”

This step can also serve as an intermediate step before distancing.

Know when to cut ties

There is no one-size-fits-all solution to the decision to cut ties with your parents.

“Deciding whether to cut ties or draw boundaries with a toxic parent is a deeply personal decision that often requires weighing multiple factors,” Harris said.

However, that doesn’t mean it can’t be a solution.

“I sometimes advise my clients to ’emotionally isolate’ from family members if I think it will be good for their mental health,” Zhang said. “Emotional disconnection is a term from the family systems field and is exactly what it sounds like. This also includes physical distance or separation.

How do you know when or if you should do this? Harris recommends evaluating:

• severity of toxicity
• your emotional and mental health
• your own needs and values
• The impact of this relationship on your daily life
• your parents’ desire to change

The decision is yours, but Harris says therapy can help.

break the cycle

Like genes, parenting styles can be inherited. However, unlike hereditary high cholesterol or eye color, it is possible to break the cycle of toxic parenting, Dr. Nobile said. Here are some things you can do with your child:

• Focus on positive reinforcement. This can include praising desired behaviors rather than focusing on undesirable behaviors. “It’s important to build your child’s self-esteem by praising good behavior and creating a more positive and affirming environment,” says Dr. Nobile.
• Develop your own emotional regulation skills. Try mindfulness and stress-reduction techniques, which can allow you to control your reactions to your child.
• Learn healthy parenting styles. “Books, seminars, and parenting groups can teach you how to parent effectively,” says Dr. Nobile. “Learning about parenting will give you the tools to replace unhealthy and outdated parenting practices with better ones that work better for you and your children.”

Remember, toxic parenting is not inevitable. There is hope, but it involves healing.

“Reflect on your own childhood and identify any toxic parenting practices,” Dr. Schiff says. “Understand what patterns you want to change. What is harmful? What do you want to avoid and do differently? Identify the kind of parent you want to be and implement healthy parenting techniques.