Keeping children safe on social media is never easy, especially as they grow up and become more independent in real life and digitally. So what happens when you see a post online that sets off alarm bells in your brain?
Maybe you have access to your child’s account, or maybe you don’t, and someone else alerts you to something they posted and/or shared that seems concerning. Maybe it’s a photo or video of them crying, or a meme with a cryptic quote or lyric, or maybe it’s more direct – they’re sharing their emotions publicly online and it feels like they’re asking for help.
This behavior is known as “grief fishing,” a term coined by journalist Rebecca Reid in 2019 and defined by researchers in 2021 as “exaggerating one’s emotional state online to gain sympathy.” ” social media users.
Adults do it too – we all know someone who is a chronic oversharer online. Heck, a lot of us have Been there That person. (Guilty as charged here!) But in teenagers, grief fishing can be a symptom of underlying mental health issues, including anxiety and/or depression caused by loneliness or a lack of social support. Yes, it’s a cry for attention. But does that mean your child is actually suffering, and what is a parent to do?
According to a 2023 study published in the journal BMC Psychologyteens who struggle with mental health are more likely to engage in attention-seeking behaviors like grief fishing. Although the researchers found that boys were “more likely to exhibit sad fish tendencies” than girls at age 12, the behavior decreased over time. For girls, the opposite is true, with “grief fishing” on social media increasing as they age.
Not sure if something counts as sad fishing? In addition to the vague posts mentioned above (or conversely, including exaggerated stories and oversharing), LifeStance Health therapist Nicholette Leanza, LPPC-S, shared some examples of things teens might write online.
- “I can never do the right thing; why am I still here?
- “No one understands me.”
- “I feel lonely” or “I feel hopeless”.
- “I just can’t take it anymore.”
No matter what your child posts, you’re probably feeling very worried. As a parent, you’re stuck. Giving your children the freedom to express themselves and develop their identities online may conflict with such posts, exposing them to potential bullies from their peers and the attention of predators. After all, social media is hardly a safe haven, and children should not be expected to navigate these waters alone without the support of a trusted adult.
Let’s get this straight: If your kids are fishing, there’s a good chance there’s something deeper going on with them, as Leanza tells Scary Mom. Whether it’s a mental health issue or a self-esteem issue, using social media as a conduit for sympathy or oversharing can indicate a lack of social connection. But even if your child gets the sympathy they seek online, it’s unlikely to help them in the long run. Social media posts cannot replace real support or resolve any underlying issues they may have.
Leanza recommends approaching your children only if you can provide them with a safe, non-judgmental area to share their feelings. Failure to do so may backfire and make them feel embarrassed, defensive or angry.
A gentle approach can help, Leanza suggests, and a clear reminder that they’re always available to talk. Let your children know “they are seen and heard, and invite them to talk more about it,” she adds. “It’s important for teenagers to feel they have agency, and using this as an open invitation can be helpful.”
“Parents should never discredit or deny their children,” she continued. “Saying things like ‘You’re pretending’ or ‘Don’t be so dramatic’ is not helpful and sends the message to teens that it’s not safe to talk to their parents about their feelings.” Minimizing their concerns or belittling their Feelings will only drive them further apart.
In general, Leanza says you should be on the lookout for other changes in mood or behavior, such as withdrawal from friends or other social activities, increased irritability or anger, changes in sleep patterns, loss of interest in hobbies, and/or changes in appetite — all of which may be a sign of a teen’s Signs of anxiety or depression. Drug use can also contribute to an increase in grief fishing, as drugs and alcohol lower inhibitions and increase impulsivity.
“It’s also a big issue if teens are engaging in self-harm,” Leanza adds, “and if they’ve been saying they don’t want to be alive anymore.” Even if you don’t have evidence that they’re doing it, posting about self-harm is another Serious warning signs that cannot be ignored.
Regardless, it’s important to check with your child’s school or your family doctor, either of whom can recommend a licensed mental health professional to help you and your child. While it may feel empowering to be vulnerable on social media, it’s important to make sure your child has ample access to trusted social connections. For any child who may be struggling, it’s crucial to limit screen time and monitor privacy settings where possible, as well as provide them with the real-life support they really need.
