After separating from my ex-husband, I thought a lot about how we celebrated the larger holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. We discussed this and agreed that we would split up on Thanksgiving, with him taking care of the kids on Christmas Eve and me on Christmas Day. Somehow we forgot about Halloween.
That first year, Halloween was my ex-husband’s night and I had no idea how hard it would be to be away from my kids. I never cared much about holidays before, but, It turns out there’s something to seeing magic through a child’s eyes. I absolutely love making their costumes, taking them to the annual Halloween parade and festival, and then spending a refreshing night trick-or-treating.
But after the divorce, my ex-husband and I had to try to find ways to co-parent our children to get through the day. It’s important to us to make sure children don’t feel like their lives have been turned upside down, so every year we ask them how they want to spend Halloween. I think in situations like this, it’s better for parents to give in and let their children express their needs. They did not ask their parents to separate, but they had to travel back and forth between families. So, if Halloween is my night with them, or their dad’s night with them, that’s okay. They have to decide how to spend the money.
If that means we have to divide and conquer to get them to a party, or let one of them go trick-or-treating, that’s what we do. We never did anything with the kids, but if they asked us, I would do it, and I know my ex-husband would do the same. When my kids aren’t with me, I’m busy.
I didn’t realize how hard it would be to be alone on Halloween. If you think about it, this is a big family day. When your kids are little, they will feel as excited as Christmas. I cried for hours the first Halloween without them. I miss them very much. I missed the memories. I miss our traditions. But after that, I had to pick myself up.
Now, I make plans with friends or schedule activities that are specifically nourishing for me, like a massage. Watching a great new show or a good book can also help pass the time.
Communication is crucial when you’re co-parenting, especially during the holidays. Emotions are running high — yes, even on Halloween — and you have to do your best to plan and communicate with your co-parent so your kids don’t get caught up in any misunderstandings. Make sure you both know what to expect on the day so there are no surprises, delays or arguments over who is doing what.
It’s a nice bonus to realize that Halloween is about your kids, not you. Yes, we may feel sorry for ourselves and miss our children. But there are only a few years when Halloween means a lot to them. It’s about letting them have fun, letting them use their imaginations, and letting them be kids without worrying about whether their parents are okay. Make Halloween a day for kids to get lost in the magic.
My ex-husband and I also always try to do small acts of kindness for each other: if one of us isn’t with the kids, we either get together and take photos or send them to each other. It’s a way to make each other feel included.
There’s a big learning curve with co-parenting, and I’ve made some mistakes. But it’s worked great for me and my ex-husband for seven years now, and I’m proud that we always make sure our kids have a great Halloween. Even though these holidays may seem insignificant to us, they mean a lot to our children.
Katie Lives in Maine with her three children, two ducks and a golden retriever. When she’s not writing, she’s reading, going to the gym, redecorating her house, or spending way too much money online.
