Over the past year, I’ve noticed that my 7-year-old daughter has copied many of my behaviors and preferences. First, there are appearance issues, such as clothing choice or hairstyle. Then she started showing interest in things I did, like early morning walks around the block, getting my nails done, and photography.
To be honest, I didn’t think much of it – I thought she was copying everyone around her, like most kids. Then, last week, while I was doing my typical after-school evacuation, a piece of paper fell out of her backpack. She drew a picture of a tall, blond girl holding a cell phone and camera. In bold letters across the top it read: “I want to be _______ when I grow up.” In the margin, she wrote “My Mom” half-upturned in her tiny seven-year-old handwriting.
At that moment, I realized that for the past seven years, I had somehow become this little girl’s idol. I panicked. I still panic because although I feel it’s an absolute honor that she bestows this title on me, I think it’s rather undeserved.
To be clear, I feel like I’m a good person overall. I have good morals, I am generous and I obey the general rules of society. I try my best to be an incredible mother, wife, daughter and friend. But God, I’m flawed!
I am impatient and impulsive and spend too much time on my phone. I can be picky and sarcastic, and I have a trucker’s mouth. I mean, I was confident in my ability to keep my kids alive and help them grow, but boy, did they actively want to be like me. It’s a whole different level of stress.
So I was terrified. I cried a lot and spent a few days stressing out, mentally making a list of all the things I was going to change quickly to somehow make me worthy of my new role. But as time passed, I also had other feelings.
First, I feel empowered. I am very proud to be in charge of such an amazing 7 year old. If someone was so awesome and cool and wanted to be like me, maybe I would have more confidence in myself. What a powerful confidence booster!
I feel motivated to continue to do my best and strive to be the best version of myself. At first I thought this meant I needed to be perfect in order to achieve the ideal vision I wanted my daughter to emulate, but I realized that not only was this unrealistic, it was also undesirable. I want my daughter to respect people who try their best, make mistakes, and learn from them. I want her to idolize someone who may be messy and flawed, but who is true to himself and willing to admit his mistakes. These are things I can improve on without feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Most of all, I’m grateful to be the mom responsible for emptying out backpacks after school for such amazing items. I’m healthy, capable, and still have time to make some changes for the better for both of us. While I may have felt unworthy of adoration, she clearly saw me differently. How lucky that is.
step is a former lawyer and mother of four who often swears. Find her on Instagram @sammbdavidson.
