I was putting away groceries in the kitchen when my 11-year-old son was sitting at the counter eating a snack when I heard a “ding” sound. I suspect it’s his Apple Watch, but that’s weird since he only uses it to communicate with my husband and I when he’s out and about. As I fumbled to put some groceries into the cupboard, there was a clanging sound, followed by a shocking fit of giggles. “What’s that?” I asked. “Oh, Mom, this is the sixth grade group chat!” he responded excitedly.
Well, shit.
To say in a group chat that I wasn’t ready to be a mom to my kids would be an understatement. I can’t even comprehend that enough time has passed since changing his diaper for us to get to this point. I just dragged my feet and asked him to wear a watch instead of the iPhone that most of his friends already had, naively thinking that it might delay some technologically advanced communications technology. But, of course, here we are.
So without completely suppressing his obviously exciting addition to the day, I sat down and chatted with him about it. I reiterated my rule: I am free to read everything as long as I want to make sure everything is safe and appropriate. We sat there and talked together.
Honestly, it’s harmless. It’s messy as shit but harmless. The names of several of his best friends were programmed into his phone. Still, beyond that, a bunch of unknown numbers showed up, sharing questions about classwork and sports schedules with random emojis and middle school slang that I didn’t quite understand. But even after witnessing the innocuousness of it all, I still didn’t like it.
I just don’t see the benefit of so many kids having permanent written communication at this age. It felt so unmonitored and chaotic. I miss having a home phone in the kitchen where you could at least effectively eavesdrop. I really feel like letting people with the maturity and brain capacity of an 11 year old get involved in this is just setting them up for failure.
Of course, this may sound dramatic to some. It seems to me like it could hurt feelings, be intended to be funny but be seen as an offensive comment, and in an environment like this, everything in between is inevitable. It’s not that these kids aren’t “good kids,” it’s that they are too young to control their impulses and understand the nuances and boundaries of communication. Then record everything for the entire grade level (and those people’s parents and friends) to see!
So you can say I’m not cool, but I made him delete it. To be honest, I struggle with this too. We live in these strange times where things that feel logically and instinctively terrible are commonplace. Things like TikTok and Twitter — when I sit down and really think about the impact of these things, my feelings are mostly negative. But since by 2024 “everyone is doing it,” we’ve somehow numbed ourselves to thinking it’s okay. Then part of me worries about his FOMO! What if he doesn’t get an invite because of something he posted in the group chat? What if chat is where people connect and connect, and he was left in the dust of the middle school social scene? I don’t like it.
But I just couldn’t keep my son’s attention on his wrist because 30 kids were there all day chattering about who-knows-what and saying things they probably wouldn’t say to their face. While I knew I eventually needed to allow him some privacy and independence in a world that relies heavily on technology for communication, I decided 11 o’clock was not that time.
I will continue to have him have text conversations with his best friends, friends I know, and friends he agrees I can read. For now, we will leave the large group conversations for sixth grade in the lunchroom and at recess, and I want them to stay there as long as possible.
step is a former lawyer and mother of four who often swears. Find her on Instagram @sammbdavidson.
