We were all 13 once. Fighting with your parents over almost everything under the sun is as much a right of passage as a rite of passage. As a teenager, you wonder why your parents can’t understand you. As a parent, you might feel like pulling out your hair when arguing with your 13-year-old.
That’s why one mom took to TikTok and calls herself “former all-star nanny” @ChelseaExplainsItAll for advice.
Mom Liz Klose-Johnson asked: “How do you calm down the tone of an almost 13 year old… Her tone is totally wrong. All the time 😂”
You see, 13 year olds are wild and vicious and yes, that sucks for parents. However, Chelsea points out that young teens have misconceptions too — and meeting them where they are is an important step in finding positive solutions for everyone.
“There used to be a hip 13-year-old here,” Chelsea responded. “Thirteen is the worst time.”
“I distinctly remember Christmas when I was 13, and I had an identity crisis because I didn’t want Christmas toys, I didn’t want Christmas clothes, and I just thought, who am I? What the hell is going on? she said.
She explains that teenagers are caught in an awkward position between childhood and adulthood, and this frustration can lead to strained relationships with parents.
“It sounds like you guys are in a bit of a spiral right now,” Chelsea said. “When you’re stuck, it’s easy to start getting defensive and have a sense of being on the ‘no’ side of everything your child says, wants, or does.”
I’m sure most of us have been there. The phrase: “But Mom, you’re not fair!” or “But Mom, why can’t I?” has been repeated by every generation since ancient times. That’s what a cave teen might say. As adults, we might roll our eyes, but Chelsea points out that meeting teens with more empathy on this issue can make those years far less painful for both parties.
“I promise you, if you consciously change your inner ‘no but’ to ‘yes if’ over the next week when it comes to your children, you will see this spiral shift,” she said.
So, what is the actual effect?
“Suppose your child stomps in the door and says, ‘I want this new makeup. Why can’t I have it?’ Instead of saying, ‘No, you can’t do this because you’re a white brat and you’ve been pampered. It’s broken and you’ve been mean to me for six months so I’m not going to buy anything,’ change it to, ‘Oh yeah, that’s a nice lip gloss. If you think you can on Saturday night Help me cook and we’ll get it.
Imagine your kids ask you if you can drive them to their friend’s house, but you’re exhausted and it’s a school night. Seems easy to say no, right? Chelsea’s perspective, however, requires parents to put themselves in their children’s shoes and consider finding ways to say “yes.” Would they agree if they finished their homework by 5 o’clock, or if they could get a ride home when they were done?
“I know ‘yes if’ sounds like a conditional thing, but it does make the other person feel like they have a little bit of power and not everything they do or say is going to be banned,” she said.
“Try changing your ‘no buts’ to ‘yes ifs’ for a week and see if that helps,” she suggests.
Commenters broadly supported Chelsea’s sentiments, and some expanded on them with their own experiences raising teenagers.
“Moms of 4 adults here: Please say no when it really matters. You need energy to stand your ground on the things that matter!” said one user.
“I told my 4 year old that the answer is no and here’s why…unless you can convince me. Pressing her to finally come up with a solution, I said good job and for good reason…yes we can ” added another.
“My mindset changed when someone pointed me out and asked myself why I said no. Is it control? Or safety. No more power struggles because now it’s usually yes,” said another user.
It’s not about giving your kids everything they want. But it’s about taking them seriously and considering their requests rather than shutting them down immediately. You may not even earn “cool mom” status, but you can at least develop a more positive relationship with your “hip” teen.
