I know firsthand the challenge of planning a “perfect Christmas” when your family dynamics change. Balancing tradition and flexibility between organizing your best Christmas morning and planning a transition with your predecessor is no easy task. The first Christmas after separation was difficult. I despaired of spending the entire holiday without my kids. However, I also want them to experience a happy season. But don’t be afraid. This guide is designed to help you have a smoother life as a co-parent. Here’s how I learned how to make it all possible while giving my kids a special holiday.
Merry Christmas as a co-parent: How to make it work
1. Make plans ahead of time
As a mom, planning Christmas can be daunting, but as a single parent, it’s like going on a military operation.
Unless you have a parenting plan or order that contains specific instructions about who has the children and when, negotiations can be lengthy. Having to make plans in a hurry can be stressful. The sooner you have a conversation with the other parent, the sooner you can agree on who, where and when during the holidays.
2. Correct Christmas communication
Use this time to communicate well with your ex. Choose the method of communication that works best for you as an ex-couple, whether in person, text messages, or a co-parenting app. Then, keep at it.
Please be careful to use non-offensive communication and gestures, keep everything on-topic and respectful.
Write down the plans you make together. You may need to refer to them if confusion arises later. It can be an email or text message that you can forward if something goes wrong with the arrangement and one of the parents needs a gentle reminder.
3. Be flexible when sharing your vacation
It’s great to plan early and be super organized, but that’s life and change is inevitable. We just don’t know what’s coming, so stay open and be prepared to change your plans.
If you don’t have a parenting plan or consent order yet, get one organized now. Most parenting plans include arrangements for special occasions. When you have your plans in place and both parents must follow them, a parenting plan or consent order can save the day (and your co-parenting relationship).
Don’t feel pressured if you don’t want to somehow arrange to share Christmas with your co-parent for the next decade. Plans and orders may change as the situation evolves and your children grow and have different Christmas needs.
NOTE: Family Courts are packed in the run up to Christmas while everyone tries to get their arrangements on record. Make yours early, or mix it up this Christmas and get ready for the new year.
Christmas as a co-parent (continued)
5. Consider new Christmas traditions
Christmas will be different now if you’re sharing it as a co-parent, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be better.
Create some new Christmas traditions and routines that will bring comfort and joy throughout the years.
How about going to the cinema or taking a walk on Christmas Eve to see the lights in your neighborhood? Different gifts for Santa, or some new decorations to put together?
Life as a single mom is filled with new routines we create to provide our children with a sense of security and contentment. Christmas is no exception.
6. Children always come first
All the extensive arrangements and precise planning around Christmas are because we want our children to have the best Christmas possible.
Yet among all the tangled tinsel and crazy Christmas plans, it’s easy to lose sight of why we want everything to be perfect.
for. Ours. children.
We hope to give them wonderful Christmas memories that they will cherish forever and eventually pass on to their own children.
If you and another parent find yourselves at odds over holiday plans, remind yourself (and him) why you’re doing it. Your children’s well-being is something you have in common and a good middle ground for making plans that work for them.
7. Get everyone on the same page
Holidays for separated families are a little complicated. Not only do both parents want to celebrate with the kids, but there are also grandparents and extended family to consider… not to mention if either of you are back together and there’s a whole family that needs to be included somewhere in the plans. If you’re feeling completely overwhelmed, you’re not alone.
But remember: anything is possible.
Once you have plans in place, make sure everyone knows what they are. Most importantly, share with your children in an age-appropriate way.
Letting your children know these plans will help them feel safe, knowing that Christmas is under control and can look forward to it without anxiety or worry.
8. Plan Christmas gifts (decide who will be Santa Claus)
And then there are the gifts…
If your co-parenting relationship allows it, talk to the other parent before buying anything. Ideally, everyone works together and buy the larger gifts in half, so you save money and still get the kids what they want. They’ll also be happy that it’s the work of both of you.
If your relationship is on the rocks and talking about gifts might be straining the relationship, just send your ex a quick email so he knows what you have in store for the kids. That way you won’t buy the same thing.
How to have a happy Christmas as a co-parent (continued)
9. Limit the amount of alcohol you drink (or skip it altogether)
Christmas is the perfect excuse to enjoy a champagne breakfast or grab a beer before noon.
But please be careful.
Especially if you are not an experienced drinker.
Drinking too much at Christmas will make you temporarily happy but can lead to feelings of anger, tiredness, irritability and anxiety. It can also make you become too emotional or argumentative…which you really don’t need when you’re trying to keep the peace with your ex.
Also, your kids won’t like seeing their mom drunk, so limit your drinking and stay well.
Note: If the other parent is an alcoholic, try to schedule Christmas so that neither you nor the children are around when he or she is drunk, as this is a prime time for emotions to run high and arguments to arise.
10. Be prepared to deal with emotions and be kind to yourself
For many separated families, Christmas can bring a wide range of emotions. It’s mentally, emotionally, and financially challenging. It’s understandable and normal to have moments of sadness, anger, and even resentment, but it’s also a time to be gentle with yourself. Being a single parent during this season is tough, and giving yourself a break mentally and emotionally can make a world of difference. Remember, no family is perfect, and yours doesn’t have to be perfect to feel the joy of the season.
If you will be spending all or part of Christmas alone, make plans and stay busy. And know that it will get easier over time.
Further reading: Christmas Alone: Tips for Making Christmas Unforgettable
11. Show kindness to everyone (even your ex!)
Use this time to reach out to another parent and mend some burned bridges (if you’re ready). Maybe you could invite him to breakfast or even buy him a small gift. Check out this article for some ideas: 12 Hilarious Christmas Gifts for Your Ex. In fact, having mom and dad get along (even for just a day) is the best gift you can give your child.
12. Enjoy the day and have fun
Yes, Christmas won’t be as memorable without the kids, but it doesn’t hurt to relax and enjoy yourself. Even if you’re drowsily lying on the sofa watching The Wiggles Christmas special, be sure to set aside some “me time.”
Final words: Co-parenting at Christmas
The first Christmas after my divorce, I felt heavy-hearted because I knew I would only be able to spend half the day with my kids. While I’m determined to make their day enjoyable, I can’t shake the sadness that Christmas will never be the same from now on. My ex-husband and I arranged to spend a day apart, and although it was awkward at first, we both realized it was worth it to see our kids happy.
Over time, I’ve learned that creating our own little rituals, like having a special breakfast before returning, brings new joy to our vacations. I’m starting to understand that Christmas can be magical, even if it doesn’t look like it used to.
Finally, we realized that as co-parents, working together during the holidays is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.
Wishing all single moms out there the best Christmas.
