It has been eight years since my divorce. During that time, I heard a lot of dating advice. Much of this—whether from a podcast, a meme, or even a trusted friend new to dating—has to do with women being the driving force in the relationship from beginning to end: Since my last date, women How It Starts Asking men out, paying for dates, and generally just telling men what to do.
No matter where it comes from, I don’t like it. I know one thing: I really don’t like it. But since I’d been out of the loop for twenty years, I decided to give it a try. After all, I like managing things and making sure they get done a certain way. I can treat appointments like a work or family project, right?
But, it all felt wrong. I had coffee with a guy I liked and he paid for it, which was nice. Then he treated me to dinner, and when the check came and he didn’t reach for it, I offered to split it. After all, I am now happy to be a modern woman. It wasn’t until he (very eagerly) agreed that my heart sank. I was so shut down. Over the next few months, as we dated, I learned that not only did he agree to split every check, but that that’s what he wanted. He also likes it when I help him with things at his apartment, but doesn’t reciprocate. He never took responsibility, always wanted me to plan dates, and often asked if I knew how to drive.
I’ve dated a few other men like this over the years. Here’s the thing: As a single mom, the last thing I want to do is be in masculine energy all the time. I already have to be a mom and dad when my kids are with me. I take care of my own household and work by myself. I wanted a break, and, outdated or not, I wanted a man to give it to me.
I’m going to get a lot of flak for saying this, but where are the old guard? The ones who never let you drive, the ones who don’t want you to pay for dates, the ones who shovel your sidewalk when the need arises, they know full well that you can do it yourself, but they want to help you.
I want someone who gives, not someone who takes. Someone who makes the first move and follows through on planned dates. It doesn’t have to be anything special – just a walk or coffee – but I don’t want to think about it or plan it. I want to be with a man who makes me feel safe, lets me let my brain go, and live in the moment.
I don’t care what you think of me, but I want no part of it. In other aspects of my life, I may be a modern woman – I’ve lived on my own for a long time, I run two businesses, and I’m an amazing single mom. But when it comes to dating, I don’t want to be a modern woman.
I know I can do both. I waited without hesitation for the right person to come along.
Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.
