Even under the best of circumstances, blended families are a tricky and delicate balance. Thinking of two (and often more) separate families when creating a new, connected family unit is an exercise in communication, emotional intelligence, and humility.
Again: these are best possible situation. That’s not to say it can’t be beautiful and meaningful, but it’s always going to be difficult. and sometimes It’s hard because, let’s be honest, people aren’t trying their best. Like a recent post on the popular “Am I The Assh*le” (AITA) subreddit asking “AITA won’t take my stepdaughter on vacation?”
I know what you’re probably thinking: You don’t necessarily make an AITA judgment based solely on the title of the post. Sometimes very important messages are hidden in the details of a post.
Actually, this isn’t the case for once, but the details we got, well, they certainly make the issue a little more interesting…
Reddit user u/Classic-Choice9766 (who I call “Classic”) and her husband have two children — ages 3 and 4. The husband has a 15-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, of whom he has custody every other weekend.
“Our son and daughter have never been to Disney,” she explained. “So this year we’re surprising them with a trip. My husband, myself, and two kids are going to Disneyland for 5 days. My stepdaughter has been to Disneyland 6 times, so we figured she wouldn’t want to go because we have to do Something the little ones can enjoy.
Right off the bat, I hit a record-setting moment. No ask What if she wanted to go? It’s no secret that Disney is designed for the whole family, so it’s natural to assume that teenagers won’t be interested (especially since if you No Like) It feels… good. Let’s continue…
Classic explained that the Disney trip happened while her stepdaughter went skiing with her friends. (Classic and her husband paid half the cost.) Now, personally, I’d love to know if the Disney trip was planned before or after the ski trip, but unfortunately we didn’t get an answer.
When the stepdaughter’s mom asked the classic husband if she could take the kids to her friend’s house so they could go on a ski trip together, he had to say no. That morning, he, Classic, and their two shared children were heading to Disney… and it seemed like his ex and their daughter were learning about the trip for the first time.
“Her mom said we obviously didn’t care about my stepdaughter because we weren’t taking her away, which made my stepdaughter upset and thought we didn’t want her to go,” Classic said… But Mother Upset her, or, you know, find out she wasn’t invited to a family vacation to the Happiest Place on Earth?
Classic says she and her husband offered to take her stepdaughter with them… but that left the teen with a choice between the trip she was looking forward to taking with friends and the trip she was initially left out of the family choose.
“She said she wanted to do both and it wouldn’t be fair to her to miss out on the trip with her friends.
“We just want some unbiased opinions,” she concluded. “Aita?”
While the most popular comment among Reddit users was “ESH” or “Everyone sucks here” – implying that the stepdaughter’s mom escalated the issue and the teen was probably going to have a bad time at Disney anyway – But the vast majority of comments rule “YTA”: “You’re the asshole.”
“I’m the oldest stepdaughter,” one comment read. “My siblings are much younger than me and if this happened I would think my stepmom hated me at 15 years old. … You made a choice for her and didn’t include her, Even though she is part of the family.
“YTA with your husband!” another person said before continuing. “You knew when her ski trip was, so you scheduled a trip to Disney at the same time so you didn’t have to take your stepdaughter. Try to excuse your behavior by saying she didn’t want to go. You just didn’t want to ask her if Did it, so she can’t say she did…you offered to cancel her ski trip, but what you should have done was change the Disney trip but that gave you another lie: she didn’t want to go, she wanted to. Ski trip. I hope. [your] Husband read this article with you. You both are.
But perhaps the most poignant response came from one Reddit user, who said:
“As a child of divorced parents and step-parents, I grew up with [one] My stepparents treated me no differently than a new child. Then came a stepparent who treated me as a legal entity and had to deal with me when needed. Fast forward many years and that stepparent is wondering why I don’t want them in my life or around my children.
