The holidays have always been a blessed season filled with joy, celebration, and spending time with the people I love most. In the past three and a half years or so, I can’t remember a holiday where I didn’t go back to my mom’s house on Christmas Eve and bask in the glory of Christmas morning with my immediate family, and then the long holiday season .
I can’t wait to share these and all of our other holiday traditions once I have kids of my own. Yes, it meant a few more stops – meeting their dad’s family and their cousins - but reunion, joy (yes, we loved Grinch), the magic of this season outweighs the chaos. Or at least that was the case until recent years.
My children and I have dutifully attended these celebrations with our families every year since they were born. Even though I would much rather be alone with the kids and enjoy the holidays, we get from point A to point B and back again because it makes the kids happy (and of course all the baby boomers in our lives too). But between the growing family problems (political and otherwise) I decided we were going to take a break this year. Let me tell you, people are not happy about this.
Our family has been changing and growing in different directions. Some of us are changing with the times and adopting a different approach to parenting (by breaking all those generational curses that no one wants to admit even exist). So, more often than not, a family gathering is almost guaranteed to be a verbal altercation. Adding this to the recent election only adds fuel to the fire. It’s hard to watch someone you thought you’d known your whole life adopt (or ignore and excuse) a completely different set of values than the ones you grew up with, and it’s even more painful to explain this to children you respect. I was uncomfortable, the kids were uncomfortable, and although they might not admit it, I’m sure the family felt the tension too. For the first time ever, I don’t feel the need to put all these unpleasant feelings in a box to deal with later – this time I can’t (and won’t) just “get over it”.
“Why can’t you put politics aside and enjoy spending time together?”
“This could be the last year we all get to celebrate together – why are you being so difficult?”
All the unkind words prompted me to ask myself an important question: Why do I spend time with people who make me and my kids feel uncomfortable? Why do we subject ourselves to brief conversations and constant side glances? Why are we expected to go out of our way to make their vacation better when ours isn’t?
I was raised to please others and avoid conflict at all costs. But my gift to myself and my children this year is to change all that. I asked my kids what they wanted to do this year. What will bring them joy? How do they want to celebrate the holidays? This year, instead of walking on eggshells, we’re spending time at the resort, going to the water park, and ordering room service.
Don’t get me wrong, this may not be something we do every year, but this year it feels especially necessary. The truth is, sometimes the best thing for everyone is to opt out when the people around you make things uncomfortable. I didn’t make this decision lightly. I’ve been trying to put these feelings aside for the sake of the kids, but we’ve reached the point where enough is enough. I’m also supposed to have a nice holiday, and this year, that looks like giving up family celebrations with zero guilt.
Of course, we still enjoy other holiday traditions, like going to the Nutcracker Ballet. We would bake at least six different kinds of Christmas cookies with the kids, taste some (to make sure they were just right), and then send some off with my parents for the festivities we missed.
No doubt the Christmas tree will go up and the elves will find their way to the shelf. It will be amazing to see Christmas carols (countless times) at our local theater (although the Muppet version dominated). While we won’t go all out with the events (and people) that take away all the joy from the most wonderful time of the year, it will still be a holiday filled with joy. To be clear, while the baby boomers in my life think I choose to retaliate or punish them, it’s not really about them. It’s about doing what I think is best for my family.
So while it was unconventional, it was the choice I made for my family, and no guilt from my mom—or disapproving preaching from anyone—was going to get in the way of that. Who knows, this could be the start of a fun new family tradition.
