When I found out my first child was a girl, I was ecstatic. I can’t wait to dress her up in cute Mommy and Me costumes. I dream about bedtime and sharing my favorite book series with her. I wish to establish a relationship gilmore girlsexcept without all the unhealthy parent certification confusion. We are mother and daughter, but she knows my heart and my door is always open. But as excitement filled me, I started getting unsolicited comments about how hard it was to have a girl. Of course, I’m not surprised. Even as a teenager, many of the women in my life used raising girls as a cautionary tale: When you have a daughter just like you, you’ll know what we’re talking about.
For parents, the teenage years with girls are especially portrayed as a scary, scary, difficult time in which our beloved babies transform into wild, unruly minions of the darkness. They had a terrible attitude and kept talking back. They are little kids who want too much and give nothing in return. Think I’m being too dramatic? Need I remind you of the endless complaints about “Sephora Tweens” at the beginning of the year?
Well, my girls are finally entering their teenage years, and today, as we head into a new school year, I want to say that I am tired of hearing that you should not live in fear of this stage. I’m going to stick with the most feared and terrifying age of parenting: girlhood.
I know some teens and teenage girls say some incredible things, but isn’t that part of adolescence? Even with parental guidance and well-intentioned advice, these kids are just trying to figure out how to grow up in a world that constantly tells them they’re not doing enough while simultaneously doing too much. As a daughter and mother of daughters, I can definitely say that this is especially true for girls.
Why do people hate teenage girls so much? Is it because society wants them to know from an early age that they should follow their own path? You know they’re going to hear these off-the-cuff comments. Your teenage daughter can access the same op-eds and TikToks you consume and say, “Be careful! Be scared, be very scared! Being a teenager is an absolute disaster and it’s very hard. They can hear parents making unsolicited comments about how teenage girls are mean, dirty, hormonal, and generally hellish. How do you think this made them feel?
What if we spent more time actually spending time with our teenage daughters? Can you imagine the potential we could unlock in kids by letting them figure out how to be teenagers and then giving them a soft landing space when they finally messed up? Because they will – they are still kids after all.
Getting through the teenage years is hard enough for them. Every time they interact with social media, they are told that others are living their best lives, while theirs may just be OK. (Although we as adults know this is false.)
Do you remember what it was like to change as a teenager? There are first loves and new relationships. Our girls grow in friendships, another growing pain that comes with a variety of emotions. Being a teenager is exciting, but there can also be some melancholy about giving up something that brings them joy (because they’re “too old”) or feeling like high school is just a short four-year journey into adulthood.
Being a teenager is tough, and yes, parenting teenagers comes with unique challenges, but I’m not entirely convinced that all the blame should be placed on the teenage daughters of these complainers. Maybe parents who spend their time complaining should accept and embrace their daughters’ quirks and let them grow into the women they are meant to be?
I don’t know about you, but both of my daughters are amazing—and I’m not just saying that as their mom. They’re funny, they’re smart, they have a completely different perspective that feels wonderful, and they give me a little bit of hope in what is a dumpster fire in the world today. Yes, they test my patience every week like clockwork, but you know what? So do many other adults. So it doesn’t seem accurate to cast teenage daughters as sassy, spoiled, difficult villains of society. Of course it’s not fair.
While I like to think that raising my children with empathy, compassion, and kindness has something to do with how great my girls are, at the end of the day, I have to let that go. My girls are incredible not because of me, but because of who they are. Honestly, I’m sure your daughter is too. So whether you have a teenage child or an aunt, grandma or family friend they rely on and look up to, take the time to choose your words carefully. Don’t be afraid of their teenage years, but embrace them with joy, curiosity, and support—who knows, maybe it’s the anticipation of the “terrible teen years” that makes them so scary.
Remind your daughter that you’ll support her, guide her, and give her some stern advice when she needs it, but most importantly, you love her no matter what—you may just need her to adjust her attitude every now and then. Although, yes, she probably got it from her mom.
Holly Garcia Writes about parenting, mental health, and all things lifestyle. She’s from the Midwest, where she raised her daughter and drank a lot of coffee.
