Low-demand parenting: examples and effects

As most parents can attest, in many cases the demands of raising children don’t seem low. Whether they need their third snack of the day, help getting dressed, or other extracurricular activities to attend, there always seems to be a task to be completed or a requirement to be fulfilled. In addition to the joys and rewards of parenthood, there is also a great deal of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion that occurs over the years.

That’s why a style of parenting known as low-demand parenting sounds both appealing and surprising. This is a parenting approach often discussed with neurodivergent children who exhibit pathological demand avoidance (PDA) or show resistance to the most routine demands. This resistance is often triggered by feelings of anxiety or panic in response to the request. Low-demand parenting is designed to help address these challenges.

The benefits of low-demand parenting aren’t limited to neurodivergent children. This is a parenting style that any family may find helpful. Here’s what you need to know about low-demand parenting.

What is low-demand parenting?

Low-demand parenting is a parenting style that prioritizes flexibility and adapting to a child’s unique needs rather than setting strict boundaries and requirements. The theory is that by being more flexible, parents can relieve or reduce their children’s feelings of anxiety or stress and the potential negative reactions that may accompany such feelings. Reductions in stress and anxiety should improve children’s emotional regulation, behavior, and overall health.

“The goals of this parenting style are to respect the child’s rhythm and preferences and to foster a sense of safety and acceptance,” says Joel ‘Gator’ Warsh, MD, MS, a board-certified pediatrician and author of ” Raise your children at their own pace.

A relaxed, low-pressure environment is especially beneficial for neurodivergent children, such as those with autism or ADHD. External demands imposed by others can make these children feel that their personal autonomy is threatened, even simple daily requests or demands.

For neurodivergent children, autonomy often equates to safety. Threats to autonomy may trigger a range of responses, including fight or flight, freezing, or other emotional reactions. Additionally, children with ADHD may find it difficult to carry out requests.

“These children easily feel stressed, threatened, and distressed when faced with demands and expectations,” says Sharon Saline, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and co-author of What your child with ADHD wishes you knew. “They can quickly go into fight-or-flight mode and may become overly bossy, aggressive or controlling.”

Signs You’re a Low-Demand Parent

Experts say that while there are no studies specifically looking at low-demand parenting, there are some common characteristics of this style of parenting. Here are some of its key features.

Respect children’s autonomy

Parents who practice low-demand parenting prioritize their children’s autonomy and allow them to make choices about their daily activities and routines. “This approach helps children develop a sense of control over their lives and promotes independence,” says Wash.

Focus on development needs rather than general milestones

Being highly attuned to your child’s specific developmental needs and adjusting parenting strategies accordingly is another sign of low-demand parenting.

“Instead of focusing on general milestones or social expectations, parents consider their child’s unique challenges and strengths,” said Sepideh Nash, LMFT, a behavioral health education specialist at Memorial Hermann Health System. “For example, if a child with ADHD struggles with homework, a less demanding parent might develop a more flexible homework routine, breaking tasks into manageable chunks and allowing breaks as needed, rather than insisting on strict ‘s schedule.

Minimize stressful requests and demands

To avoid causing undue stress or anxiety, low-demanding parents reduce or eliminate demands; in other words, they ask their children to complete fewer tasks or set less stringent rules about what their children can wear or eat.

Structuring family life in this way may make neurodivergent children less anxious, as they may find high demands overwhelming.

indirect communication

The conversational style of low-demanding parents often relies on a curious approach rather than direct questions, which can be stressful for children. For example, this includes choosing phrases like “I wonder,” rather than “are you,” Saline explains.

“They ask open- and closed-ended questions using how, what, when and where instead of why,” adds Saline.

Benefits of low-demand parenting

Low-demand parenting may result in a variety of positive benefits and outcomes. Experts say it can support a child’s social and emotional development in a variety of ways.

Improve self-esteem

Low-demand parenting may help children develop higher self-esteem and confidence.

“When children are given the opportunity to make their own choices and are supported on their unique developmental paths, they learn to trust their own abilities and judgment,” Nash said. “This empowerment fosters a sense of competence and A sense of self-worth that encourages children to explore, take initiative, and interact with the world in a more confident and confident way.”

More independence and motivation

Proponents of this parenting style believe it provides children with more autonomy over their learning and growth, King said. “This may help them feel more in control and motivated, creating space for them to find joy in the things they choose,” King explains.

Additionally, research shows that when children feel this support, it can have a positive impact on their social and emotional development. They can better manage their emotions and develop more positive relationships with others.

Helps build trust between parents and children

Low-demand parenting “fosters trust between parents and children by consistently respecting their children’s choices and needs, laying the foundation for a secure relationship where emotional well-being is essential,” says Wash.

Low-demand parenting may also help create a warm, caring, and predictable environment where children feel more secure and supported.

Increase emotional stability and growth

When children are in a stable, caring environment, they are more likely to remain calm and positive, King said. “Without the burden of constant anxiety and stress, they are free to explore their surroundings and engage in activities that help them learn and grow,” King explains.

More flexible daily schedules

A low-demand parenting style allows for greater flexibility in daily life, allowing children to follow their own natural rhythms and preferences, potentially reducing conflict in the family dynamic and leaving more free time for everyone in the family to go. Pursue your interests without worrying about a strict schedule you need to adhere to every day.

Disadvantages of low-demand parenting

While low-demand parenting can help create a less stressful and more accepting family environment, pursuing this goal can also have some drawbacks for children, especially as they try to fit in in other areas.

“The concern is that low-demand parenting may be inconsistent with the realities children encounter outside the home, such as in school or the community, making it difficult for them to adapt to less flexible environments,” King said.

Wash agrees, arguing that children who ask too little and have too much authority over how their home is run (whether that means dictating exactly what they eat, wear, and play with) may sometimes fail to make it. at this point.

“Because things always go their way, children may have difficulty adapting to situations that require compromise or meeting external expectations,” Wash said, adding that low-demand parenting is a parenting style that risks overindulgence. .

When low-demand parenting is adhered to, children may also have too little structure and too little routine in their lives. Nash said that while flexibility can be beneficial, children still need a certain level of consistency to feel safe and develop time management and organizational skills.

“Without clear guidelines and expectations, children may struggle with boundaries, leading to difficulty managing responsibilities and completing tasks on time,” Nash said.

Another pitfall of low-demand parenting is giving children also Too much authority is all about avoiding family conflicts. After all, some disagreements in families are expected and natural, Salling said.