Birthdays are big in our family. I don’t mean on a grand scale like an elaborate, over-the-top party where I had a “balloon budget” – I just mean we made a big deal out of it. The birthday person can choose their own dinner; I can make whatever cake they want or take them to pick one; they will prepare a whole birthday table in the morning, full of gifts and decorations. Basically, they have the whole day to themselves and make the decisions.
However, I will say this – birthdays are also important to the siblings of the birthday child. I am a firm believer in allowing the birthday child’s siblings to enjoy the day just as much.
But maybe not what you think.
Recently, TikTok content creator Cecily Bauchmann was criticized for sharing a video in which she allowed her daughter’s three younger siblings to blow out the candles on her cake to celebrate her turning 11 Year old daughter’s birthday.
Other TikTok creators immediately began splicing videos into their own replies. The overwhelming response was basically that she had made the oldest mistake. She should tell the young children that today is not the time for them to blow out their candles.
But I definitely advocate for my daughters to be involved in their sisters’ important moments, especially birthdays. For us, that doesn’t mean blowing out each other’s candles (let’s be honest, one person breathing on the cake is bad enough.) For us, my oldest turning 10 this year, it means Let my 5-year-old come in and wrap the gifts, even if some of them don’t look as perfect as I’d hoped. This means letting her and our 2.5 year old daughter pick out a gift for their sister, even if it’s something very random. This meant letting her put the candle in her sister’s cake and then put her arms around her after she blew it out.
It means allowing her to continue to love and celebrate her sister.
My husband and I place great value on our children’s accomplishments, even the smallest ones, like when we walk into the family room and find our kids picking up all the blocks without being asked. We give them affirmations every day before bed to make sure they know how important and special they are. They watch us shower them with love through our actions, so why wouldn’t we want them to do the same in return?
Jealousy between siblings is real, that’s for sure. Things can get especially tricky on birthdays when the kids realize that the birthday child is making all the decisions whether they want to choose snacks or movies. But in those moments, we tell them no, this is not your day; we can also tell them yes, this is your day. It’s the day you celebrate one of your best friends, one of your siblings, and it’s your job to make them feel so happy, loved, and special.
Because if I’ve learned anything about being a mom, it’s that my kids love being taken care of, but they love taking care of others even more.
So give your brothers and sisters a job. Don’t let them pick out the birthday child’s cake, but have them cover their sibling’s eyes when you take the cake down to surprise them. Instead of asking them to plan a birthday celebration, ask them if there’s a specific moment they’d like to share with the birthday boy/girl—like reading to them before bed or having a dance party—and find a way to accommodate it if you of other kids ask, “Can I help?” Just give them some tape and a gift while you wrap the gifts.
The birthday boy/girl won’t enjoy sharing their birthday wishes with their siblings, but they will feel all the love and joy when their siblings excitedly hand them their own hand-frosted cupcakes and know they were just there for They did it.
