Resentment is a common problem in marriages – one partner has wronged the other and the other cannot forgive and forget what happened. Over time, anger can turn into resentment, and unresolved arguments turn into larger problems.
This is definitely the topic of the popular Reddit thread “Am I an asshole?” in which a husband and dad wonders if he’s an asshole for telling his wife she needs to get over the fact that he missed the birth of their child.
Is it wrong that he missed the first moments of his child’s life? Or was it her fault that she couldn’t calm down and calm down her anger? Or both?
Husband and new dad wrote asking if he needed to try harder or apologize.
First, he explained how he missed the birth of his child.
“In my job, there are times when I don’t have access to my phone, or I’m in the middle of nowhere,” he began. “These times are scheduled in advance and basically take up my whole day. During this time, I have to follow a lot of safety regulations.
He then added that the baby was born so early that it was almost impossible for him to be there.
“My wife was pregnant and I was scheduled to take off work near her due date,” he wrote. “Unfortunately, she went into labor prematurely (about a month early) while I was undergoing tests. When I got the signal again, I learned that she was about to give birth. By the time I got to the hospital, she was already born.
Now, 18 months later, the missed events are still, understandably, an issue for his wife.
“That was about 1.5 years ago, and my dad was involved,” he continued. “The problem is that every time we fight she brings up my missed birth. This happens almost every time we have a serious argument about what fast food we should eat. Today was the turning point for me, we wanted to change the daycare situation because of her And there was an argument. She wanted to move the daycare to one closer to home. I did drop off and she came to pick me up. The only one that was closer to our home was too expensive and we couldn’t afford it.
Then old wounds come back.
“During the argument, she backed out of the birth without me being present. I told her she needed to get over this and stop using it in every argument between us. She called me an asshole and walked away.
The poster added that she was not upset by the situation when they talked between fights.
“She claimed she was fine and I missed it when she was calm, but it still always comes up during arguments,” he added.
So, who is the asshole? In the comments, most people agreed that while her anger was absolutely understandable, the couple had to work together to get through the unfortunate event.
“You should discuss this in depth,” one popular comment read. “The impression I get from your post is that you believe she thinks you’re a bad father for not being there. But she probably keeps bringing it up because she feels so vulnerable and alone without you. But: Thing The way it happened was really, really unfortunate: a month early, and on a day with no signal.
“Have you considered couples therapy? She has unresolved anger towards you,” another person wrote. “I think you need a professional to sort this out.”
In addition to many recommending that the couple seek counseling, some mentioned that her anger may be coming from elsewhere in the marriage. Or that giving birth alone was too painful for her and she still had to deal with it.
“I would recommend counseling to hopefully resolve this issue, because the fact that she has continued to bring it up for so long indicates that the problem is indeed something else,” one commenter said. “She doesn’t want you to do that job? She Is she avoiding other marital issues? Does she feel like you’re not involved enough?
“I know you don’t have a chance to go there,” wrote another. “But as someone who went through labor almost alone (during COVID-19), the husband was allowed in after a while but they were too busy and left me alone while the midwife waited while the baby was born (no one expected will be that fast).
The bottom line is that unresolved anger and resentment can fester in a marriage if not addressed head-on. Here, the wife may be understandably confused about her birth experience. At the same time, the husband may not understand the depth of her feelings and see this as an unfair fighting tactic.
A good long chat, with or without a professional involved, may be the best way to resolve the issue.
