It’s the holidays. Stockings are hung carefully on the chimney, you’ve witnessed Kevin McCallister single-handedly save his home from wet bandits, and now you’re preparing to spend the season with the in-laws And feel pressure. For some families, it’s as much a Christmas tradition as fig pudding and stars on top of the tree, so if you’re dreading spending the holidays with the in-laws, know this: You’re not alone. Whether your in-laws are coming to your house or you’re visiting them, this season can get a little tricky, especially if you’re dealing with boundary-pushing, toxic in-laws.
Assuming you’ve tried to skip spending the holidays with them, and assuming your partner has your back and will stick up for you and your family, there’s not much you can do except smile and suck it up. Luckily, some moms in similar situations have some advice no Dreading the holidays with the in-laws…or at least how to dread them in a more relaxed mood than usual.
Go in with a good attitude.
You’ve probably heard it a million times – you can’t control other people’s behavior, but you can control your own reaction. While it’s very difficult to remain stoic if you’re dealing with a toxic in-law situation, there’s a line between reacting because it’s necessary (like when the in-laws try to forcefully kiss your squirming child) and simply reacting Big difference.
Whether they’re coming to your home or you’re visiting theirs, you have to approach the holidays with a good attitude. This is not about abusing any kind of toxic substance; It’s about choosing yourself and your own happiness.
“I can’t explain how it finally drew me to it, but one day I realized that walking into my mother-in-law’s house on Christmas Eve was ruining my kids’ holiday experience because I was so miserable from the beginning and I knew I had to Do something,” shared Lauren Hernandez, a Georgia mother of four. “I didn’t get along with my mother-in-law, but the horror of the time I spent with her left me feeling dissatisfied and irritable all through Christmas Eve, and I hated it. I just refused to let her own behavior—this Including being a martyr who cleans the kitchen herself but keeps telling me I loaded the dishwasher wrong – affecting me if she needs to be a jerk and play with my kids.
Choose your battles.
Speaking of choices, choosing your battles is an important way to keep your kids alive and Grumpy in-laws. You can’t let everything your in-laws do over the holidays irritate you, or you’ll never do it. So, figure out what kind of fights are most important. Does it really matter if grandma buys pajamas for Christmas Eve? Would it be the end of the world if kids stayed up late drinking hot chocolate with their cousins on Christmas Eve?
Obviously, if these things are important to you, yes, choose these battles. But giving your in-laws some leeway can make your vacation with them less scary in the long run.
“I’ve always had this vision in my mind of baking cookies with my kids on Christmas Eve and decorating them to give to Santa,” said Hannah Miller, a Michigan mom of two. “I don’t want to do anything in advance; I just want it to happen exist Christmas Eve at our house. Fast forward to when my oldest was about 5 years old and my mother-in-law decided that on the Saturday before Christmas—which we always spend with her and my husband’s families—she wanted to start a new tradition, with all people bake cookies together for Santa Claus. It felt like a punch. My husband doesn’t understand why I’m so upset and keeps insisting that we can still make cookies on Christmas Eve and then throws her cookies away, but I really feel like she’s purposely sabotaging my tradition with the kids.
Miller shared that there was nothing she could do that day but let her mother-in-law bake cookies (“otherwise, I’d look like an ungrateful daughter-in-law crying over real cookies”), but it ruined her entire weekend. “I was so frustrated, then on Christmas Eve, my oldest daughter woke up and asked me where the oven mitts were because she was ready to bake. Apparently, my kids didn’t care if they baked the cookies twice , so why am I so now that they are 12 and 10, we just eat the cookies that they made with Nona and then make Santa cookies on Christmas Eve and she does a little baking tradition with them and I have mine too , everyone is happy.
Again, you don’t have to just roll over and accept the in-laws’ nonsense. If you don’t want to hear about the 2024 election during Christmas dinner, make it clear. If you want your child to read It was the night before Christmas It’s good to stick to that with you instead of their great uncle. But think about what’s most important to you and let the rest fall away.
Talk to your partner.
It’s likely that you and your partner have had many conversations about your in-laws and what it’s like to deal with them. And, hopefully, if your partner’s family starts insulting you or pushing your boundaries to an uncomfortable level, your partner will put a stop to it. But that still doesn’t mean they can capture everything that happens, or that they aren’t disgusted by the idea of their family turning against their loved ones.
“Communication is everything,” said Joanna Sharpton, a New Jersey mother of two. “My husband and I have a code word for when I need him to step in, and it sounds silly, but we don’t abuse it at all – he knows if I say it, I’m bad,” Joanna said of her relationship with Problems with the in-laws mostly relate to their behavior at home. They fully expect her to wait on them, make sure all their favorite foods are supplied, and keep her children quiet so they can rest. “I’m all for being a good hostess, but over the years I’ve learned that my husband and my kids absolutely love having his family vacation there. So, when things get too much, I call and leave it to him Let’s deal with it.
Joanna says this clear communication means she doesn’t mind buying her in-laws a cup of coffee or cooking them a fancy dinner, but if her mother-in-law insists on not having the dog in the same room as her, her husband is the one to take over people. “Having your son tell them that what they’re doing is ridiculous really works,” she said.
Nadia Berkshire, a Georgia mother of two, agrees. “During our premarital counseling, our pastor said something like, ‘You deal with your family, he deals with his,’ and that was literally the only way we were going to get through the holidays,” she said. “When his family started rushing to host a holiday or asking us to be there at a specific time, even if it didn’t work for us, I would leave the group chat and let him handle it. Obviously, he and I were talking separately, so He knew where I stood and we were always a united front – he just talked.
Anna Donaldson, a Texas mother of three, shared: “A lot of the little things that annoy my in-laws and I are things my husband has been going through his whole life, so he has no idea how they can bother people. .
Anna says sharing her boundaries with her spouse helps him define boundaries for his parents, which makes everything better. “I’m afraid to go on vacation with my in-laws, not because they are horrible people, but because there are just too many of them,” she said. “I come from a very quiet, reserved family, and they spent Christmas Eve doing puzzles and watching movies, and his family was like playing tequila flips. They were fun, but it was a lot, and it’s just not my style. .
Most importantly, remember this: this is your vacation, too. So whatever you need to do to keep you safe and allow you and your children to have a fun time is crucial. Chances are, if you still spend the holidays with your in-laws, it will have some benefits – like your kids getting to spend time with their cousins and grandparents, or your spouse getting to visit his family, Or maybe it’s your aunt – the law just gives great gifts – so make the most of what you can. Things don’t have to be as dire as you think, and sometimes, changing your perspective means they have to change their behavior too.
