The teenage years can be difficult. For parents, the light at the end of the tunnel might be, well, one day they’ll grow up and we’ll get along. That’s the dream, right? The adolescent brain will be fully developed and by around age 25 we will eventually get each other.
But one mum says these vulnerable years may be the secret to maintaining a good relationship with her children when they become adults. For parents, this may mean taking some uncomfortable parenting steps.
“As an adult with kids of my own, my mom and I are best friends, and you know why? It’s because she was a great mom when I was a teenager,” Sarah Biggs – Stewart (@thebiggersthebetter) said in a video posted on TikTok.
“I really think a lot of people don’t understand that the way you treat your teenager determines the relationships you have as an adult,” she explains. “Yes, when they move out, you’re separated for a few years, which lessens the damage, but the damage is still there.”
Biggs-Stewart isn’t talking about the toll of a typical parent-teen argument (we’ve all been there). Arguments, she says, are something the parent-child relationship can recover from. But, there is one thing about it cannot Coming back is a breach of trust.
“I’m talking about making a promise to your child and trying to create a culture of trust, like you make that first effort and then you don’t follow through,” Biggs-Stewart said.
The best example, she said, is parents telling their children to call them if they’re drunk and need a ride so they don’t get into trouble. When the call does come, parents respond by punishing or berating their children, and trust can be eroded for years to come.
“A lot of parents tell their kids that. My mom told me, my friends’ parents told them,” Biggs-Stewart said. “But when things came to a head and we had to call our parents one night after we got drunk in the field, the police showed up – why was this so common among teenagers in the early 2000s – and guess who didn’t get in trouble ? Me. Guess who did it? All my friends. Guess who was close to their mom?
“In that moment, your trust in your daughter or son should outweigh your need to punish them,” she said.
“They will grow up and the mistakes they made as teenagers will disappear,” she continued. “It hurts when you’re not there for them when they need you, or you lie to get them to believe you – and it’s a lie because when push comes to shove, you don’t do it – if you lie about how to behave if you Had it been better, the damage would have been done.
I think we can all relate to this, as former teenagers. However, one mom asked in the comments a question that many others may be experiencing.
“My struggle as a mom is how many times have I done this?” she asked. “There have to be some learnings and consequences, but I also want to be a safe and trustworthy place…the balance is so difficult!”
Biggs-Stewart’s reaction followed the same trend of trust. This time, have some trust in your child.
“There are no numbers,” she replied. “If your children are generally responsible and trustworthy, they will make these decisions hundreds of times a day. In my opinion, it is okay to make bad decisions often.
For example, how many times did you end up drinking (or worse) in an open field as a teenager? You turned out okay! Trust your kids to do the same.
