The day I found out my first child was a girl, I was so happy. I think part of me is just Know She was a girl and the idea of raising a daughter didn’t scare me at all. I had two more daughters after her, and while everyone took the time to joke about the fear of raising multiple daughters (which actually wasn’t funny), I learned that the real fear was raising an older daughter.
Okay, maybe “fear” isn’t the right word – but there’s definitely something to consider when you’re raising older daughters. Whether you have an older son or she’s the oldest, there’s a reason for this birth order and gender stereotype. “Older daughters are often seen as the responsible older sibling. It’s not fair to say that, but boys often get by. Society dictates that boys may mess up and make mistakes, but girls are expected to handle everything. We teach them when they are little It starts when you’re young. How many times have you heard that girls mature faster than boys? “It’s kind of like ‘middle child syndrome,'” Deborah Johnson, a middle school counselor in Georgia, told Scary Mom. A real diagnosis, but something we create with stereotypes and our own parenting.
Parenting style is key here. For many of us, our firstborns are rule-followers, regardless of their gender. They are the ones we don’t have to worry about, the ones we can trust to be home alone…but they are also often the anxious ones. A study conducted by Epic Research found that oldest siblings are 48% more likely to experience anxiety than younger siblings. Is it because of those anxious moments we have as first-time parents? Is it because we invest too much in them? Is it because they are the oldest that we try to instill a sense of maturity and responsibility in them?
How can we save our oldest daughter from these stresses? Johnson has some ideas, and they start at home: “Make sure your older daughters know they are not responsible for the household. It’s okay for them to worry and worry, but they need to know that you’re the adult, you’re the parent, and they don’t need to because you’re dealing with That’s your job; their job is to be a happy kid,” she said.
So grab a few favorite affirmations and share them with your older daughter every day. You didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did she–sometimes, you just have to face stereotypes together.
“It’s okay to worry.”
One of the main stereotypes of older daughters is that they often feel like they have to make sure everyone is okay. They worry about their siblings, their parents, their families – which often means they worry so much that they miss out on their childhood. “The only thing I wanted as a kid was to have my fears confirmed,” eldest daughter Jamie Roberts, 41, told Scary Mom. “I know now that some of it was just worrying for the sake of worrying, but dismissing my worries and telling me to stop didn’t help.”
So, remind your older daughters that it’s okay to worry, it’s okay Wrong Although they will worry, it is crucial to find coping skills to help them live their lives instead of constantly bogging down.
“You are important.”
Personally, I feel like we should say this to every kid every day, but Johnson told me that the oldest often feel like they’re pushed to the side of their younger siblings, and not always in a “neglected” way way. “Sometimes they just know and understand the dynamics of a large family and know it’s not their turn to have a mom or a dad yet,” Johnson said. “But that’s why you should remind them that they matter, they are heard, they are seen, and they deserve your attention.”
“You can do anything you want and be anything you want.”
Many of the issues surrounding “eldest daughter syndrome” have to do with gender roles, Johnson says, so making sure your daughter knows she doesn’t have to be the one to run the household or raise her siblings just because she’s the eldest daughter is huge. “The older son may also feel a level of responsibility, but since we always talk about the older daughter being the one in charge, even if she has an older brother, it’s important to make sure she knows her worth is not tied down,” she added.
“I love you for who you are.”
Likewise, for many older daughters, their daily lives have many responsibilities. Depending on their age, they may be the ones who always need to help their younger siblings with chores, drive them to practice, or give them snacks while their parents are busy. You can say “I love you” all day, but Johnson recommends adding a quantifier like “who you are” so they feel more seen, heard and loved.
Hopefully one or all four of these sayings will help your older daughter feel a little more relaxed. I want her to know that she is loved, cared for, and worthy, even if you do need her help carrying the groceries in.
I want my daughter to know this too.
