There are some fairly universal truths about parenting, especially in early childhood. In endless love and admiration, children will also May do or say something that completely hurts your feelings, even if they don’t actually mean to do it.
Children also go through phases of preference, where they seem to prefer one parent to the other. As hard as it may be to feel like a rejected parent, you may take comfort in knowing that this is just a phase and that one day soon, you will be the apple of your child’s eye. But what happens when your child prefers someone else entirely, like your nanny or other caregiver?
Although it may sting to see your child excitedly running to their nanny or nanny when they’re upset, or commenting that they love their teacher more than you do, one psychologist is here to remind you if When this happens, it probably means you’re actually doing a good job at parenting. Yes, really.
Why might a child prefer another caregiver?
As a parent, you deal with many tasks, large and small, every day, and the responsibility of managing it all demands your time and energy. As New York psychologist Alexandra Stratina, Ph.D., tells Scary Mom, non-parental caregivers “give a lot of focused and directed attention and reinforcement.”
“When a caregiver is around frequently, the child may trust that person if the parent is handling demanding tasks,” Stratina explains. “It may also be developmentally normal—children are naturally drawn to Attracted to new or warm attachments, this shift in attachment is rarely permanent but is a sign of normal social growth in the child.”
Yes, if you are overwhelmed and exhausted, your children will naturally appreciate the energy of someone who is solely focused on caring for them No The list of projects that require your regular attention continues to grow.
But unfortunately, we don’t know how long a child’s preference will last, Stratina explains, and non-parental caregiver attachment can emerge at any age or stage of development. She gave a longer-term example where a nanny might provide “a familiar, comfortable environment or supervision that the child values” and “even if the child feels accepted and cared for by the parent”.
“As a child’s social and emotional needs fluctuate, this condition may be temporary or may last for years,” Stratina added.
good, bad and painful
While this is understandably painful, Stratina reminds us, “It’s not a bad thing, and parents should try to control feelings of jealousy; as long as the caregiver is a safe and positive influence on the child’s life, they are Caregiver attachment both demonstrates the child’s ability to form bonds and can be a source of additional support during critical stages of the child’s life.
Other caregivers “may offer unique perspectives that may have a positive impact on the child,” she added. “For example, they might teach their children a hobby that they would not otherwise be interested in. The number of meaningful bonds we can have is infinite, and they can all enrich our lives in different and complementary ways.”
How can parents strengthen family bonds?
The truth is, it’s not the healthiest thing if your child is only attached to you, even if it makes you uncomfortable. But if this bothers you, seeking support from a professional can help you manage your feelings. At home, Stratina recommends spending time together when possible eating meals and participating in age-appropriate activities to help build stronger relationships. “Asking what the child likes about the caregiver can also facilitate communication and make parents feel more reassured,” she adds.
Regular quality time isn’t necessarily a big deal, either. “Little things like a bedtime story or a weekend away can create memories and connections,” Stratina says. “Instilling family traditions or rituals—such as a favorite weekend breakfast or evening walk—can also create something for children to look forward to, which is positive for the relationship.”
She adds that it’s always a benefit to have carers become part of a team, through family or group outings or adventures. “This can reassure children that both adults care about them. Parents can also observe how children communicate with other caregivers and ask interesting questions. It shows that their parents value their well-being and respect all of their other interactions.”
You need to control your emotions, especially around children. (Yes, they feed off your energy, even if you don’t say how you feel.) “Jealousy, guilt, and competing for your child’s attention are not appropriate responses,” Stratina says. “These behaviors emphasize the parent’s emotional needs over the child’s needs, which is unhealthy for the child’s mental health. This behavior may cause friction and disconnection from the relationship. Limiting the caregiver’s abilities may leave the child angry and confused, It may also isolate them from those who care about them.
Any and all unconditional love and support surrounding your child is a good thing, and a therapist can provide a judgment-free zone to share your feelings and work through them. Your feelings are valid, but your job is to manage them in a healthy way.
