Everyone has, at some point or another, been subjected to what experts call—pardon the technical term—“a lame apology.” You know the type. “I’m sorry, but” or “I’m sorry, you should have told me this bothered you…” is always a bad “I’m sorry you were offended/hurt/upset.”
And, let’s be honest, sometimes we’re that person give A lame apology is sometimes because us You know what we mean, that’s not bad. or we just Very frustrated We have to let each other know. How can we do better? Dr. Marina Rosenthal, a therapist for high-conflict couples who posts on TikTok as @drmarinarosenthal, recently offered a very simple tip for better apologies.
“When you apologize to your partner, count the seconds between when you apologize and when you begin to pay attention or explain your point of view,” she advises. “Try actually counting. Literally: how many seconds to wait after apologizing before talking about your experience. If you want your partner to apologize to you, you don’t need to express your point of view right away, even if your point of view is Reasonable. Wait a little longer; stay with their experience longer. Your apology will do nothing if it is just a means to get you talking about yourself again.
It’s very simple, yet very effective. Of course, actually doing this can be difficult to manage: people crave to be heard and understood… but that’s Why It’s important to apologize well: This is a way to let your partner know that you see them and understand them.
Commenter reactions were varied and nuanced. Some people see value in this approach.
“Nothing kills an apology like an explanation,” one TikTok user agreed.
“That’s literally the rule in my house,” said another. “One person at a time. I’m going to hear you out and validate your point, and then when things calm down, I need you to hear me out and validate my point.
Others prefer to apologize in a slightly different way.
“I don’t even need to apologize,” a third commented. “I want validation and a plan. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. Just don’t do it again.
“My partner and I first explained our starting point for complete transparency, followed by our apology,” another said. “Helps us gain perspective, peace of mind, and see things from each other’s perspective.”
Many people, whether out of experience or intuition, are skeptical.
“Doesn’t work with narcissists,” one of them replied dejectedly.
Another simply joked,
“LMAO, I’m not mature enough to do that.”
Just like there are many ways no There are many ways to apologize and make a bad situation better. None are perfect, and all are somewhat personal—different people prefer different types of communication—but this tip provides valuable insight, and no matter how you approach it, remember who the apology is really for. (Hint, it’s not you.)
