The lack of contact between adult children and one or both parents has become a hot topic in recent years. But between adoring your parents (or in-laws) and cutting ties with them entirely, there are plenty of other ways to stay in a relationship. Maybe you and your parents loved each other, but there are so many different beliefs these days, or maybe you and your in-laws are very different in personality. In these cases, you want your children to have a good relationship with their grandparents, even if your own relationship with them is sometimes (or always) strained.
Look, the number of people who have absolutely perfect relationships with both their parents and their in-laws is…well, probably zero actually. If not, it’s pretty close. Stacey DeLanoit, PsyD, Psy.D., of Baptist Behavioral Health Center in Jacksonville, Fla., says when grandparents, parents and children are involved, everyone contributes to their own growth Experience, trauma, generational beliefs and personal differences are brought to the table. In short, it is natural to have conflicts.
If the dislike or tension between you and your grandparents is just personal preference, here are some ways you can keep your grandkids’ relationships with them strong, even if your own relationship is rocky. Additionally, Delanoit explained some signs that a truly no-contact situation may be in the best interest of children.
How to support your children in loving their grandparents, even if you don’t like them
First, don’t talk negatively about your children in front of their grandparents. Even if you’re not the biggest fan, this and other parenting tips are helpful tools when it comes to figuring out how to get your kids to fully enjoy their grandparents’ dynamic.
“This should be a lot like what we want to see co-parenting look like, with open communication and being able to talk about our feelings. Unfortunately, a lot of that depends on a person’s capacity and ability to tolerate uncomfortable conversations. Change The ability to think a little bit,” DeLanoit said.
That includes you, she points out. When a parent or in-law does another thing that upsets you, stop and consider their intent and impact. “If my mom or my mother-in-law came to my house and made a low-key comment about the situation at home, my mom would feel criticized and basically give her the middle finger to her mother-in-law, right? Nine times out of ten, my mother-in-law wakes up that morning and Not trying to make my daughter-in-law feel bad about herself, but is that definitely the impact?
Moms care deeply about their children and have an innate desire to nurture them, which often results in little nudges and cues that you may not appreciate, Delanoit said. As long as their intentions are good, you can work to change the impact. “When they talk about my house, I might say, ‘Hey, Mom, when you make comments about my house, I really feel inadequate. What I need to move forward is in the effort I’m making. in the affirmation, and perhaps a hand.
If you can only treat your grandparents sparingly, not because they did anything wrong but because you are very different, that’s okay.
“If your in-laws come over and you know they like them, but you like them for like 20 minutes, you engage with them and say, ‘Hey, this is a great opportunity for you guys to bond with your baby. Why? Don’t take her there. Walk, play, or read” and then go for a walk yourself or go to Target to allow them to bond with the kids. Allow us to get our needs met because we all know moms have a really hard time getting their needs met. “
When should parents cut ties with their children?
“Any time there is abuse, neglect or a situation where their safety could be compromised, we reject that,” Delanoit said. “Just because someone is your family, doesn’t mean they have access to you by default. So, it doesn’t matter whether you’re my mom, my dad, or my sister; it doesn’t mean unlimited Contact. (This also applies to emotional abuse, neglect, and safety, not just physical.)
What about the less obvious scenarios? No two parent-child relationships are the same, so advice for dealing with them is not one-size-fits-all. But if a grandparent can’t show empathy or doesn’t value your perspective, that’s also a red flag, Delanoit said. “If someone can’t see things from your perspective or think about things, or they won’t take responsibility for their actions, there’s really nothing we can do about it.”
Unfortunately, not all family relationships are smooth sailing. As long as you and your children get more joy than stress from your relationship with your grandparents, you’re doing well. “Just a reminder to all the moms out there, if you’re feeling messy, that’s okay because we’re all messy,” Delanoit said.
