For some couples, sex is as easy as ever (lucky them). But for most people, it changes over time. Generally speaking, this doesn’t happen as often as it does during the honeymoon phase. When you look around at your friends and acquaintances, it’s easy to imagine that you and your partner might not be keeping up—that other people might be having more sex than you are, and feeling happier about it. So, how often do most couples have sex? The truth is, no one has sex as often as you think, experts say. Having sex all the time is definitely not an indicator of a happy, perfect relationship.
Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist and expert on sex and relationships, conducted a survey of approximately 70,000 people. Of the respondents, 75% fell into three different categories based on how often they had sex with their partner:
- Two to three times a month
- once a week
- two to three times a week
“On average, people with children have slightly less sex than couples without children, but I think most people would assume that number is much lower, and that’s not part of our findings,” she noted.
In Marin’s survey, most respondents thought other couples had sex two to three times a week, although only about 25 percent of study participants provided those figures. Not only do they think this number is normal, but they also think it’s a healthy amount worth striving for.
That said, Marin thinks focusing on frequency is a mistake. “I really don’t think there’s any specific amount of sex that’s ‘healthy,'” she says. “How much sex we should have is the wrong question for us to ask because ultimately the quality of sex is more important than the quantity of sex.”
When we think everyone else is having such great sex, we tend to allow ourselves to do the same. But Malin explains that forcing yourself to have sex when intimacy isn’t actually satisfying can lower your libido over time. “Unfortunately, a lot of people, especially women, if we ask them to tell us about sex they’re having, they’ll describe sex that feels very routine. It’s boring. They do the same thing over and over. A lot. of women would say it was actually more about my male partner, it didn’t make any sense to me, and I wasn’t having an orgasm,” she said. “If we focus on the quality of sex, that can have a bigger impact.”
Malin says focusing on quality means asking yourself some key questions. Do you feel connected to your partner? Are you doing the activities you want to do in your bedroom? Are you experiencing pleasure and reaching orgasm? “I find that once couples focus more on the quality of sex, the quantity of sex falls into place naturally. Once their sex feels really good, couples stop worrying about it so much. For both of them,” she says.
Marin also collected data on couples’ satisfaction with their sex lives. Within these groups, there were no differences between couples who were intimate two to three times a week and couples who were intimate once a week and two to three times a month. In short, more sex doesn’t mean a happier relationship.
“As a sex therapist, I’ve worked with couples who had sex multiple times a day and felt isolated, unhappy and unsatisfied, and I’ve also worked with couples who had sex a few times a year and were really satisfied. Overall I’m very happy,” she said. “With sex, it’s something we need to work on. We have to make time; we have to be open to connecting with our partners. But again, there’s no magic number, and if you hit that quota, everything about your sex life All good.
Basically, if you’re happy with your sex life, that’s great. Don’t impose any standards on it. However, if you’re not satisfied, it might be time to see a sex therapist—especially if you and your partner have been trying to make changes without much success so far. “If you have a hard time talking about sex, if your sex life isn’t what you want, if you’re curious about what your sex life might be like, sex therapy is great. I’m obviously biased, but I definitely recommend it People go looking for it,” Marin said.
So rest assured, as long as you and your partner are happy with your bedroom habits, there’s nothing that needs to change. If you need some help with intimacy, it’s there.
