Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been married for many years, figuring out how to talk to your partner about intimacy can be a challenge. Maybe you want to propose something new you’d like to try in bed, but you’re not sure how your partner will react. Or maybe you’ve been trying to discuss something about your sex life for a while, but after trying for so long, the conversation always felt heavy. So we asked a sex and relationship therapist for her best advice on how to fix the dirty and dirty.
First, should talking about sex be easy, or should it be difficult for everyone? “Open, healthy communication about sex looks like talking about sex the same way you talk about what’s for dinner: often, and in a neutral way. I want couples to feel like sex is a safe topic of conversation that they can talk about often and openly. Talk about it, and most conversations are not goal-oriented or trying to change or fix anything,” says Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist and co-author Sex Talk: Five Conversations That Will Change Your Love Life. She wrote this book with her husband, Xander, who had trouble discussing sex (yes, it’s hard even for a literal therapist, so don’t feel bad).
So before you try to bring up your deepest, darkest fantasies or change your sex life, maybe make sure you both feel safe talking about intimacy. Showing some compliments for the things your partner does right in the bedroom can be a great way to start building trust and connection.
Talk about sex without turning into an argument
Marin said the key to talking about sex is being able to do it in a “universal, objective way.” “The number one mistake people make when talking about sex is that they don’t talk about it until something goes wrong with their sex life, and then they go straight to criticizing and complaining.”
If conversations about your sex life tend to flow quickly, consider why. Malin said that when she first talked to her husband about sex, she “basically yelled at him” asking him why he never wanted to have sex with her again (they were in the middle of a dry spell). “It didn’t make us feel like sex was a safe or healthy topic, so we avoided talking about it for a long time because the first conversation was so bad.”
Does this sound like your current situation? Malin says you can break the ice by sending your partner a fun TikTok or Instagram reel that’s not sexual. your sex life. “When we talk about sex in this general way, it’s more about other people’s lives, or ‘What do you think about their advice?’ — it just feels like it’s a safe open topic, Rather than ‘Why don’t you want to have sex with me? Why don’t you initiate sex anymore?
Talk to your partner about trying new things in the bedroom
If you and your partner are perfectly fine talking about sex, but you want to break into new territory, it can still be scary. What if your new fantasy turns them off? Even in a happy marriage or long-term relationship, talking about the things you enjoy in bed can make you feel vulnerable.
“If you’re shy about it, one of my favorite ways is to say you have a dream,” Marin said. Honestly, this is genius – you can only blame your unconscious brain. “This gives you a great excuse to say, ‘You know, I had a really interesting dream last night while we were doing I erased from my mind, or, “I don’t think I would think that was sexy, but in my dream it was. “It gives you a chance to gauge your partner’s reaction.
Of course, if you’ve been having trouble talking about sex or making progress with intimacy-related issues, your next step is to seek help from a sex and relationship therapist to come to an agreement. But if you’re just starting to work your way back to neutral, get yourself some scrolls and start giving some compliments.
