Dear woman who calls my presence brave,
Hehe, it’s me. Woman coming to spa for rest and relaxation. The one with pink hair. When I went to touch up my roots recently, I decided to add a little color to my usual copper tones. “I wanted something fun, something summery,” I told my stylist. She gave me a fuchsia fade and I loved every strand. Pink is not my favorite color, but I love a little change in my daily routine. Plus, honestly, it feels like a subtle nod and emulation of those people who once said I would never get a job with tattoos and “unnaturally colored” hair. I’m thriving, thank you!
So my sister and I sat there, waiting in our heavy robes, ready to relax. This is not our first time at this spa and it is my favorite place. Dim lights, steam room, and they give you a weird little but delicious cup of granola on the way out. I tossed my hair from my high ponytail into a more manageable messy bun while my sister held a piece, twirling it and admiring its color. And you look at me and say, “Oh, wow. You’re so brave.
Honestly, I’m not even entirely sure what you think is so brave. Is it the pink tip? Could it be that my robe wasn’t wrapped tightly enough and exposed my plus-size figure? Normally I wouldn’t take the time or energy to give you a note pointing this out, but I need you to know how wrong it is to make a comment like this.
Dare you say I was brave enough to choose a pink tip? I know it shocks you and obviously annoys you that I choose to present myself as who I am, but is it really necessary to be so condescending? Just like when a random person congratulates a plus-sized person for going to the gym – you’ll never fool anyone by saying something sarcastic like that. Why do this? Is it because you think you’re better than them, or is it because you feel insecure about something and having others feel the same would diminish your advantage?
Remember what your mother said: If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Making unique, expressive fashion choices isn’t brave and doesn’t hurt anyone, so why do you feel the need to make condescending comments about it?
You are not the only one making this statement. Some people I knew gave me knowing looks of disapproval but said little. Complete strangers, on the other hand, have a lot to say. Cute little jabs are sprinkled all over the board, ranging from subtle to – well, not even a little: “Okay, that’s an option.” “People definitely saw you coming.”
None of this is new to me. I am a woman who has spent her entire life choosing how to wear her body and express herself while society shakes its head at it. Like when I dared to wear a two-piece swimsuit to the beach for the first time in my life, or when I chose to wear a crop top in public to run errands at the store because it was 97 degrees and I was hot! It shouldn’t be such a shock to see people wearing what they are comfortable in. It took me a long time to get over that thought, but I did it.
I thought maybe you haven’t. Maybe it makes you feel better because you feel ashamed for not expressing yourself and you want me to feel the same way? If so, I understand—— i feel it. It is not easy to be a woman in this world. Maybe it was your mother who made you feel like the only way to get through life was to take up as little space as possible and never step beyond the boundaries that polite society had set for you. Maybe someone else. If so, I’m sorry.
So maybe this letter isn’t just for you. This is a letter to all the haters: Oh my god, can’t you just let women live? when a woman reaching a certain age (What the hell does that even mean?!) Do something shocking like style your hair in interesting ways? Why is it so offensive when we dress a certain way, have tattoos in certain places, or choose not to wear a bra—that random strangers will take the time to put us down?
Instead, let’s focus on building a more inclusive, supportive, and powerful community of women. Let’s think about how to create a better future for our daughters.
Sincerely, a pink-haired rebel who never stops living loud.
Holly Garcia Writes about parenting, mental health, and all things lifestyle. She’s from the Midwest, where she raised her daughter and drank a lot of coffee.
