One day, as I put my 8-year-old daughter, Eva, to bed, she sighed, looked at me and said, “Being a big sister comes with a lot of responsibility.” My heart sank. It’s a burden that many older siblings carry, but I worry Eva feels it a bit too hard because her sister has autism, which requires Eva to adapt in ways that frankly aren’t always fair. While she won’t hesitate to step in and help her sister (often without even being asked), I never want her to feel like it’s her job to take care of her sister.
My husband and I are the younger kids in the family, so Eva often shares with us what it’s like to be the older sibling. She knows her experience is unique to the rest of us, but I don’t know if she fully understands that it’s not something every big sister goes through. We have to ask a lot of her: to be patient when her sister has a meltdown; to be flexible and understanding when we have different rules for her and her sister; to be helpful in difficult situations when her dad and I are not around Maturity.
Eva is kind, compassionate, and fiercely protective of the things she loves (she won’t even kill a bug). She’s also a people pleaser and a perfectionist, which means she’s a child who follows the rules and is always eager to help.
As her mom, I’m proud of the person she is and I’m grateful I can rely on her, but I’m intentional about making sure it never gets to the point where I can’t be trusted. rely on on her. There is an obvious love and friendship between my girls, so it’s reassuring that her actions don’t seem entirely out of obligation. But I know I have to be careful about how much I accept – the last thing I want is for her to start resenting me, or worse, her sister.
Still, despite my best efforts, sometimes I Do Lean on Eva. For example, our youngest daughter has an Individualized Education Plan and a good support system in school. But when school is out and I have to send them to day camp, that’s a different story. During camp registration, my husband and I always take the time to fill out additional paperwork and try to provide as much detail as possible about our youngest, but we can’t prepare them for everything if Eva is there And seeing her sister have it I obviously don’t like putting an 8 year old in this position, but our work schedules mean we don’t have much choice in the matter.
How do I teach her to embrace and celebrate her caring, compassionate, and thoughtful side while still taking care of herself in the process? How do I teach her to have boundaries when I still desperately need her help? Her job is to be a kid with a sister; she shouldn’t play the role of parent, teacher, or camp counselor. I don’t want her to feel like we expect her to be a cute kid.
Worrying about my daughter being too helpful is probably one of the most ridiculous worries I have as a mother, but I stand by it. We’ll figure this out as we go.
Ashley Ziegler is a freelance writer who lives outside of Raleigh, North Carolina, with her two young daughters and husband. She has written on a range of topics throughout her career, but particularly enjoys covering all things pregnancy, parenting, lifestyle, advocacy and maternal health.
