I had a hard time following my divorce, but eventually I settled into normalcy. My life runs like a well-oiled machine. Then I decided to make some big changes in my life. While I was excited for what was to come, things didn’t go as planned and there were some major bumps in the road. These bumps in the road made me question whether I was really capable of handling all these changes on my own.
I’ve been single for a long time and I love it. I’m human and I do want a life partner, but I haven’t found him yet. So one night, as I cried myself to sleep and rethought the decisions I had recently made, I couldn’t stop thinking about how great it would be if someone could go through this with me. Someone to talk to. Someone help me calm down. Someone who can reason with me when I’m so stressed out that I can barely eat.
But then I realized that years of being a single mom, working, and maintaining a family had made me resilient. I know how to regulate myself; I know this will pass and there will be light at the end of my tunnel. My biggest realization is that I just want a partner right now because I think it will bring me comfort. But the thing is, I don’t know how a partner would do in this situation. Of course, I have to manage their feelings and emotions and comfort them on my own basis because that’s how relationships work.
Later, I was talking to a friend who told me I was glad I went through this alone because it gave me the freedom to make all my decisions without having to think about another adult’s feelings. She reminded me that I know what I want and what is best for me. Although it was difficult, doing this alone forced me to figure out difficult things myself and learn a lot.
I ended that conversation with a fresh perspective. My friend is right. I have complete control over the decisions I make, and with that comes a lot of freedom. I’ve learned more over the past few months going through this on my own than I ever would have with someone helping me. I’m proud of it. I like to be informed. This is much better than relying on others.
I still want a partner. But I can’t help but feel like I’m single now for a reason. I needed to go through this alone to become stronger and more confident in making big decisions. I definitely know what I want and it feels really good to know that whatever I decide, I’m going to fucking do it. I know how to make myself happy with or without a man. And, I’m not sure I’m ready to consider other people’s decorating tastes in my home. So that’s it.
