It’s hard to make friends later in life, but in my 40s a mutual friend connected us and I made a great friend. We have a lot in common – both divorced and committed to our fitness and career goals. When we first met, we instantly connected and became close friends. We talked every week for two years and spent a lot of time together, which isn’t easy when you’re a single mom living 45 minutes away from each other. We mean so much to each other.
She helped me through a very difficult time in my life and I’m glad to have her by my side. She was a friend who knew that when she was having a hard time, she could call me any time, day or night, and I would be there for her, and she did the same for me.
Then, we drifted away. At the time, I thought we were just busy and didn’t think too much about it. We still see each other occasionally and still talk, but it’s not the same as before. I’ve grown up and realized that all relationships go through seasons and everything will be okay. This is just a lag in our friendship, but we will definitely be friends forever.
Then it got to the point where it was just me reaching out, and for a while I was happy with that. Then when we have plans, she always cancels or is late. I knew she was struggling with work-life balance and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to add more stress. She was already stressed out and I had other friends, my kids, my career, and I was in a relationship at the time. But I did notice the change, and it was definitely painful.
I’m starting to think it’s me. Did I do something? Did I say it wrong? Her distance told me I must have done something. I asked her and she told me no, so I stopped asking.
Shortly after, I sent her a text asking if she wanted to meet for lunch. She didn’t answer and about a month later I checked again and asked her if everything was okay. Again, no answer. She posted regularly online and seemed fine, so I knew she was safe and alive, but it dawned on me that I was being haunted by one of my closest friends. So, I just let the ship sink and I didn’t lend a helping hand.
Yes, I’m sad and hurt, but I’m not going to pursue friendship. That feels so bad.
Two years passed and she offered to have lunch at our favorite restaurant. It took me weeks to respond. It felt weird to hear from her out of the blue and I was frustrated that she hadn’t addressed the fact that she completely let me down and sent a text like nothing ever happened between us. I wanted more and thought I deserved more.
I thought for a while, not knowing what I was going to do. I don’t want to ignore her.
But in my heart, I believe that my girlfriends all deserve a second chance. I wanted to open up and see if we could get back together and share the same friendship we had. I’m not ready to close the door completely.
A few weeks later we met for lunch. She apologized and explained that she was going through some really bad personal things and needed some time alone. That’s when I realized that ghosting, while painful, had nothing to do with me.
That was five months ago and our friendship is deeper than ever. While I still don’t feel that ignoring someone is the right way to handle things, and I’m well aware that she might do it again, I’m glad I gave her a second chance, and I won’t hold on to any resentment about it or anger.
Truly close friendships are rare. No, they don’t always last. But I plan to be there while they are alive and thriving, not wonder what will happen if they disappear. Because what do you know? I’ve been through it all and fully recovered.
Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.
