A few weeks into becoming a parent, a disturbing thought occurred to me: I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had a conversation with my husband that didn’t have to do with the kids or housework. Despite being in the same space, going through the incredibly intimate process of new parenthood, we began to feel more like roommates than partners. It’s a scary thought when you’ve just made a big life decision with someone.
A quick Google search later and I realized this concept was not unique to our situation. The so-called “roommate phase” has become a well-documented part of becoming a new parent. But knowing it exists doesn’t make it any less scary. After all, how do I know when something isn’t normal? How long should it last?
I spoke with Kate Engler, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Three Points Relationships, about this phase that often occurs in the early stages of parenthood.
What is the roommate stage?
“There is no clinical term for this stage other than the ‘transition to parenting’ stage,” Kate explains. This is a completely normal stage after having a baby. As Engler explains, when a couple welcomes a child into their lives, the initial period is spent in survival mode. With a baby, a parent’s perspective becomes tunnel vision, which is an important change that helps to connect with the child and meet the baby’s needs from a distance.
However, this tunnel vision and level of focus on the baby also requires you to take your attention away from other things—which often results in a couple that seems to coexist more like roommates than romantic partners. Engler explains that there are a few different reasons behind this stage of parenthood:
Survival Mode/Sleep Deprivation
An infant’s erratic feeding and sleeping schedule may mean that parents themselves get only a few hours of sleep. Connecting with your partner requires mental, emotional, and physical energy, and many sleep-deprived couples can’t find enough space.
hormonal changes
Having a baby can bring about changes in the brains of both mothers and fathers. Basically, your brain works through a kind of “tunnel vision” to help you better meet your child’s needs and connect with them. Giving too much attention and priority to others will distract your partner.
Feeling “touched”
The physical and mental overstimulation that comes with in-person care can make it difficult to provide any energy for your relationship.
Is the roommate phase a normal part of parenthood?
While the roommate stage may sound scary, it’s a fairly standard part of new parenthood, and Kate recommends couples plan ahead. “It’s hard to really know what having children is going to be like until you have them, and even if you already have children, each additional child brings its own unique needs and experiences,” she told me. “While you may not know exactly how it will play out, you can bet there will be some version of the roommate phase.”
With this in mind, it can be helpful to plan ahead and talk through it. But more importantly, Engler emphasizes the importance of acknowledging this stage as you go through it. “[If partners can name it while it’s happening] “They don’t even have to do anything else and may not have the energy to do it,” she shared. extremely Patience and compassion for each other and for ourselves is huge.
Engler recommends an occasional check-up, but advises you to avoid putting too much pressure on each other when doing so. “I wouldn’t encourage couples to push themselves into doing too many things because parents are already under a lot of pressure to be perfect and there’s a lot that changes when a new baby comes along.”
How do you solve this problem?
In terms of getting through this phase, acknowledging that the roommate phase is a normal and natural part of new parenthood can be the first step in getting through it. Naming it can be helpful, such as checking in and saying something like: “It feels like we’ve fallen into a roommate phase this week, doesn’t it? I’ve been really tired and overwhelmed this week. I’m not trying to push you away.” Engler said.
But Engler stresses the need to be patient with yourself and your partner, rather than going all out to “fix” the problem.
“Having a baby is a big life change. We shouldn’t get used to it quickly, despite what society tells us we should. Start with small moments of reconnection. If you feel moved, sit down and watch a show together and spend five minutes Talk about things other than logistics or the baby, eat a meal together, chat if you don’t have enough brain space, cuddle for 20 seconds (that’s how long it takes to activate oxytocin) or lie in bed together, go for a walk/head massage, etc. —Something non-sexual, low-pressure.
When should you worry about the roommate stage?
When you’re in the roommate stage, it’s not surprising to feel like something is “off.” After all, if you’re not a new parent, a lack of emotional or physical connection is bound to feel uncomfortable. yes Wrong. So, when does this stage become a concern?
First, Engler said, if either party is feeling unhappy, sad, depressed or hopeless, the issue should be addressed. An upset partner should approach it gently, with empathy, without blame or shame.
However, if disconnection and separation become the norm, she recommends addressing the issue. Now, this will be different for every couple, but she explains that most couples will know when this behavior becomes a real problem.
“In couples therapy, there’s a saying: It’s the little things that happen,” Engler said. “Small moments of connection go a long way, and the sooner couples take action after their children come home, the less likely they are to end up in a dangerous roommate situation.”
Whether you’re in the early stages of the roommate phase or have recognized it from the past, know that it’s a normal and even healthy part of adding a new child. Giving yourself and your partner grace and acknowledging this phase is key to getting through it in your own time.
