Once the children grow up, start lives of their own, and meet their own partners, family dynamics change. This is obvious. Part of these changes often revolve around the holidays. When I got married, my husband and I had to discuss the logistics of where we would go on vacation.
Do we go with his family? my family? Christmas Eve? Christmas? There is a lot to figure out! This logistics becomes more difficult and complicated if your respective families do not live close to each other. Thankfully for my husband and I, our parents live on the same street. (Long story!)
These types of decisions can be especially stressful if your parents don’t quite understand you – that is, they make you feel guilty for “choosing” your in-laws over them.
Ashley Stevens, a mum on the X site, received some pushback when she vented about her son’s choice to spend Christmas this year with his girlfriend’s family.
Her first post on Disagree. I think I’m a little tearful. I don’t care if he misses any other holidays, but not this one.
She continued in another post: “No one prepares you for this part of raising a child. Your child grows up and finds a partner and new traditions. Not gonna lie, it hurts a little. Of course, I Tell him he can do whatever he wants and it’s his decision, but if you ask me if I agree, the answer is no.
She went on to say that she was also happy to host her son’s girlfriend.
“I told him she was more than welcome to come home with him and join us. I would make sure she had pajamas, socks and a seat at the table. I would be salty if he was with her family, but if that’s what he wanted Yes, I will support this decision even if I disagree with it and hate it,” she concluded.
The X post, published on December 3, has now received nearly 1 million views, with some X users pointing out some toxic points in Ashley’s narrative.
“You expect a girl’s parents to be okay with her losing their heritage as long as you keep your son in check? Not many people in your life tell you to your face what a fucking clown you are, right?” one user said.
“Serious question: How do you think a new family starts? Partners eventually become parents and the creators of the new family,” one user pointed out.
One user responded: “As a married man of 31 years, I feel so guilty about all the things that happened over the holidays that damaged my relationship with my parents, and I encourage you to get over your resentment of your kids growing up without him. .
Stevens responded: “I mean, everything you said was well-intentioned. If you read my post and didn’t see that I’ve been dealing with my feelings and working through this alone, I don’t know what to tell you. What.
Stevens eventually admitted that her feelings about her son not coming home had less to do with his girlfriend and more to do with her own feelings about the changing family dynamic.
“It’s less about him spending Christmas with his girlfriend and more about me getting through this new phase of my life. Having honest conversations about feelings, even if they are negative, and not manipulative,” she said.
Several users thanked the OP for being honest about the difficulty of letting adult children go. One particular user noted that while her feelings about the situation were valid, she shouldn’t inflict those feelings on her son. The OP highlighted the fact that she told her son that she “didn’t agree” with him skipping Christmas.
“I really like this question for a few reasons. Fairness is irrelevant in this case because there is no such thing as “fairness” in relationships. I am honest with my son, and sometimes honesty brings uncomfortable and difficult feelings. It’s important to learn how to manage and communicate them,” she wrote.
“As a parent, it’s my job to help my son cope with and communicate difficult feelings. I can’t pretend it doesn’t bother me. What will this teach him? Everyone should be able to speak in a constructive way rather than a manipulative way Talk about negative emotions.
She continued, “The young man I am raising is not an emotionally stunted person who cannot have difficult conversations about feelings. We are here to truly talk and listen. We do not bury or deny anyone’s feelings, no matter what. size.
So, what is the correct answer here? Should parents be open and honest with their children about their sadness and disappointment when vacation plans don’t include them? Or is this something they should accept so as not to make the child feel guilty or uncomfortable?
