I hate how the word “self-care” has become synonymous with hotel nights, weekend getaways, and afternoon spa treatments. Nothing overwhelms me more than the thought that, as a stay-at-home mom of three, I still need to find some “self-care” time. Until I realized that “self-care” isn’t really that complicated — taking care of yourself is the real definition, and for me, that doesn’t mean getting my nails done or going to a restaurant alone. This means I finally have my own bedtime routine.
Not that there’s anything wrong with a manicure, a dinner alone, or a weekend getaway. if you could have those moments think Those moments, no matter what, get it, bestie. But I don’t think I’m the only one sharing the idea of figuring out “self-care” and following all these rules — like those influencers who often go viral claiming that bathing is not self-care (yeah ) – makes me tickle. It removed any potential relaxation or joy I had and immediately felt like a task. Another thing to add to my list. A household chore I don’t know what to do. In the end, I found myself feeling as lost and bored as ever.
Self-care is exactly what it says: taking care of yourself. So yeah, a long hot shower that gives me a chance to shave and deep condition my hair? That yes Self-care. Listening to that podcast I’ve been meaning to listen to while doing the dishes after my kids go to bed? Self-care. Creating a bedtime routine so I can wind down and give myself the same grace as my kids in the last few hours of the day? Self care.
I am 36 years old and have three daughters, aged 10, 5 and 2 years old. I work from home with my kids, which means my entire day is a whirlwind of multitasking. (I mean, that’s every mom’s life, right?) I find that as the day winds down, I focus so much on making sure my girls feel good at the end of the day: having a meal around the table Family dinners where we talk about the highs and lows of the day, bathroom time where I play with them, bedtime stories and cuddles in clean pajamas, tidying up their room as we tuck them in so they feel comfortable and safe , bring them fresh water and find what they want. The kind of situation comedy family ending you wish your kids had.
Then I realized I deserved some too.
“Everyday routines make kids feel safe,” Marianne Davis, a Georgia-based family counselor, told me over the phone. “A bedtime routine really breaks up the day and gives them a chance to let go of the day and get some sleep. Then they wake up refreshed. Bedtime stories, baths, cuddles, all those parts of a bedtime routine Both can make children feel comforted and loved, which is why it makes sense that adults would also find comfort in these things.
Until recently, my idea of a bedtime routine was to go downstairs and try to complete my to-do list before morning. But over the years, I’ve realized that I’m not good after 9pm, and I can barely concentrate on cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, let alone completing my massive to-do list, catching up on work, folding and unpacking my luggage. Pick up eight piles of laundry.
What ends up happening is that the harder I try to be productive after the kids go to bed, the more I fail completely. I accomplished not even one thing, but zero things, and ended up exhausted on the couch, staring at my phone until close to midnight. Then I would go upstairs, put on my pajamas, and fall into bed.
If you guessed that this means I wake up feeling bored in the morning, you’d be right.
I exercise during the day; I try to eat well; I’m busy playing with my girls and working hard to fill up on all the things I’m supposed to be doing. But at the end of the day, none of that matters if I just let myself crash and burn like an old candle. I need to figure out a routine that works for me in the evening so that I can actually wrap up my day and not have it continue to spiral around like a ribbon.
So if you’re looking for a bedtime routine, here’s where to start:
Determine why you need a bedtime routine.
What are some things that make you uncomfortable at bedtime? Did you just pass out on the couch? Did you go upstairs and collapse on your bed in doomscroll zombie state? Whatever it is that makes you wish you were put to bed by your parents, find it. From there, you can figure out what you need in your bedtime routine to make it work for you.
Give yourself a bedtime routine.
This is non-negotiable. If you try to play the “Oh, I’ll go to bed when I’m tired” game, you’ll wake up in your recliner at 3 a.m. feeling worse than before. Be honest with yourself. If you know you won’t be able to go to bed at 9pm, don’t make it your bedtime. You can give yourself a little wiggle room – sleeping between 10pm and 10:30pm works better for me. But this means that once you plan your bedtime, you need to schedule it so that you go to bed at bedtime. This might mean saying no to another episode Bear 9:45 Head to bedroom, brush teeth and stretch. It’s self-discipline, and it’s hard, which is why you have to work on self-care.
Prioritize things that make you feel good over things that you think “should” be part of your daily life.
If you like scrolling on your phone before bed, do that. If you want to watch an episode and fall asleep friendsGo for it. Perfect if you want to keep makeup-removing wipes on your bedside table so you can wipe your face on your pillow. The idea is to find out what works for you and what makes you feel good before falling asleep. There are no strict rules here, and all “no screens, reading, and a 10-step skincare routine every night” will just make you want to go back to the couch and eat until you pass out.
The problem with routine, Davis says, is that many people feel they have to give it their all—all or nothing. “If you like to shower in the morning, why would you allow yourself to shower in the evening? Do what works for you. Maybe some light stretching in bed. Maybe some meditation. Maybe you just need to pull back the covers and go to bed at the same time every night. .A routine is just a routine, and what you do in the routine is up to you,” she said.
Don’t count chores as part of your bedtime routine.
This means a lot to me. I have to keep these two things separate because otherwise, I’ll find myself trying to vacuum at 11pm without giving myself any rest or completing that to-do list I’m so obsessed with. Make household chores or things like “making lunch for the kids” part of a different daily routine. It’s about relaxing. Bedtime should be a series of things you can do every night to get you from “a busy day, a busy life” to a “time to rest and prepare for the next busy day, a busy life.”
Bedtime shouldn’t be a to-do list or an extension of a crazy day; it should be a period of calm. You wouldn’t do your child’s homework or soccer practice as part of their bedtime routine, would you? So just center yourself.
Keep it short.
Heed my warning: Don’t try to make your bedtime routine unattainable. The idea is that you can be consistent with this – you can turn it into a conventional Do this every night, even if you’re not home. It should take no longer than 1 hour, but you can take as little as 15 minutes if you prefer.
But don’t let the TikTok algorithm fool you…you don’t have to do a 30-minute skin care routine, 20 minutes of stretching, and 45 minutes of gratitude journaling just to go to bed. If you find a few things that sound good to you at the end of the day, try breaking them down. Maybe you journal as soon as you get into bed and set a timer for 10 minutes so you don’t feel overwhelmed, or save the bulk of your skincare routine until the morning and only do one or two steps at night.
Be patient with yourself. Give yourself a week or two to get familiar with things.
Maybe you realize that your bedtime routine requires an alarm that goes off at 9:30 every night to remind you to brush your teeth, wash your face, and turn on the TV before going to bed. Maybe you find that you prefer to start your routine as soon as your kids go to bed and ease into bedtime. Or maybe you know yourself and committing to going upstairs at 11pm every night, stopping scrolling, and being in bed by 11:15 is enough.
You’ll find your own rhythm, and once you do, you’ll wonder how long it took you to create your own bedtime routine.
