“My child’s grandparents don’t seem to care about having a relationship with her. They don’t even acknowledge her birthday.” As a “big influencer” — I go by @morethangrand on Instagram and write about grandparents — this is one of many messages I receive from disappointed parents in Instagram DMs.
This is a very, very raw subject for a lot of people. We all tend to have an idealized vision of family, and doting grandparents are often part of that fantasy. Unfortunately, not every family in real life has doting grandparents. For families where grandparents have absolutely no interest in their grandchildren, the stereotype of overly doting, meddling grandparents can feel like a slap in the face.
It’s hard to complain when all your friends are complaining about their parents suddenly showing up with a bunch of gifts and you wish your parents had at least shown up. You worry that your children will be hurt because their grandparents don’t seem to care about them. I want to provide some background Why Some grandparents are reluctant, but there are some suggestions on what to do.
Why Some People Don’t Want to Involve Grandparents
Remember, just like not everyone wants to be a parent, not everyone wants to be a grandparent. The difference is that you usually have control over when and if you become a parent. Grandparents don’t have any say in whether they take on the role, and they may not be interested in it for a variety of reasons. I’m not saying any of this is easy to hear or that you have to be happy about it. I just want to provide some background information.
Some grandparents I know say they cannot accept that they are old enough to become grandparents. Or they just live a life filled with work, friends, hobbies, and travel. Perhaps for the first time after decades of putting others first, they are enjoying being selfish.
They may also dislike being around your child. Maybe it’s because they’ve gotten into the habit of interacting with their children and don’t know how to enjoy it. Or maybe they never liked hanging out with kids. As children and grandparents age, their attitudes may change.
Some grandparents find it difficult to spend time with your family because they disagree with your parenting style. If you are a stricter or more lenient parent than they are, you may have a hard time enjoying being together. They may choose to keep their distance rather than express their discomfort or criticize you.
The only way to truly understand why someone is an uninvolved grandparent is to ask them. But should you ask?
This conversation can be tricky, but honest communication is the key to mutual understanding. Think carefully about what you hope to gain from talking to your parents about their role as grandparents. If you’re hoping to convince them to engage more in the conversation, you’re likely to be disappointed. But if you’re truly curious about how they feel about becoming a grandparent, your interest in their experiences and opinions may lead to a better relationship.
What to do if you feel like your child is missing out
Yes, grandparents can add a lot to a child’s life, but so can any adult who loves your child and wants to be a part of their life. Your close friends can dote on you like grandparents and often prefer to lie on the floor and play. Your mom and dad may not be around for your kids, but your aunt or uncle may jump at the chance to fill the role of grandparent.
Find surrogate grandparents in other areas of your life. The retired couple across the street? Invite them to a barbecue and see if they like kids. Your colleague’s grandson lives in another country? Ask her if she would like to come to your child’s school for Grandparents Day. That cheerful old gentleman at the gym? Get to know Him and invite Him into your life.
If you don’t know anyone you’d like to contact, don’t despair. Ask your local senior center or 55+ community if you can put a “cute kid looking for grandparents” notice in their newsletter or bulletin board. Or join the growing Surrogate Grandparents of North America Facebook group and find connections there.
What if your kids notice that all their friends involve grandparents and ask them why they don’t? Resist the temptation to badmouth your grandparents. Things may change in the future, and you don’t want to jeopardize a potential relationship.
You don’t need to make excuses for them or even try to explain why they don’t show up more. Answer honestly: “Every family is different! Some people’s grandparents spend a lot of time with them and some don’t. We have Aunt Sarah, Mr. Jim, and Miss Nancy here to stay with you! You will teach your children Something important: The families we create can be as fulfilling as we imagine.
Didi Moore More Than Grand was created to share inspiration and resources for grandparents who understand the importance of their new role. On the More Than Grand blog and social media, DeeDee bridges the gap from parent to grandparent, covering topics such as concrete ways to help new parents, understanding new trends in child care, and meaningful ways to connect with grandchildren wait. access MoreThanGrand.com Or look for @moretgrand on your favorite social media.
