“So, who is your favorite child?” “A childless friend of mine asked me, referring to my three young children. I sat there dumbfounded – there was no way I could choose a favorite . But then I started thinking: What if my kids were asked if they had a favorite parent? Dun dun dun.
It’s interesting when I take a moment to really think about this. On the face of it, my 7-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter seem to prefer my husband. He gets warm hugs, big smiles and kisses after coming home from get off work, whereas when I pick them up from school it’s “Mom, I’m hungry” and “Mom, you’re five minutes late.” (For the record, my youngest is 3 years old and attached to my hip.)
I know very well that this has nothing to do with the love my children have for me. I Know They love me. But it still got me thinking…why do I often feel like I’m the captain, trying to keep everything (and everyone) afloat, while my husband is the fun captain?
Below, I spoke with a parenting expert to find out.
What is preferred parenting?
Preferred parentism refers to parents whose children “feel more comfortable when given a choice or choose to spend more time with them,” says parenting coach and ” A Parent’s Pocket Guide to Getting Through Preschool.
Betsy Brown Braun, a child development and behavior expert, said this could evolve into children always having a choice of which parent helps them, plays with them or interacts with them, all of which excludes Another parent. tell me what to say and you are not my boss.
What does preferred parentism look like?
During infancy and early childhood, children may prefer the parent with whom they have the greatest connection. “At their age, they seem to prefer parents who can meet their basic needs for comfort and care — parents who ultimately make them feel safe,” Lindner said.
Around 18 months of age, children know what they want and discover that they have choices. Brown Braun says this often marks a time when preference for one parent can express itself in a stricter, louder way than just in 6-month-olds. Reach only one parent when the parent is clearly visible.
“A 2-, 3-, or even 4-year-old may express their demands, including from parents who insist on their choice.” This may look like a child refusing to get out of a car seat, screaming, “I want mommy,” Or the child demands, “Only Daddy can take me out of the bathroom.” In this case, “the child actually refuses to do what is asked or necessary (even if it is what they really want) unless their chosen parent does so,” says Brown-Braun.
Of course, the preferred parent isn’t always able to take on all the tasks, so what often happens is that children may have emotional outbursts when they’re with the unpopular parent, Brown-Braun said, noting , the child may even say phrases like “I don’t like you” or “I don’t want you.”
Why does meritocratic paternalism occur?
There are many reasons why paternalism occurs. First, parent availability is a huge issue. “If a child experiences only one parent for most of his or her daily life, he or she will get used to having that parent do everything,” says Brown-Braun.
The opposite may also be true. “When kids don’t get to see the parents they love so often, it’s novel, and they want to spend that special time with them,” Lindner says. (Case in point: Why My Kids So excited to see dad at the end of the day).
Sometimes preferred parentism has a lot to do with a child’s interests. If a child’s hobbies include sports or the arts, and mom or dad shares the same hobbies, the child may subconsciously see this as a special opportunity to bond, Lindner said.
And then there’s the divorce situation. In these situations, Lindner said, the child is likely to choose the parent who is the most invested each day. She added: “It’s not that parents aren’t trying their best to care for the family; it just goes to show that children tend to be attracted to people they can see who are meeting their needs.”
Other things that may exacerbate a child’s rejection of one parent include abuse, meanness, and erratic parental reactions, as well as “a jarring divorce, when the child is exposed to one parent’s vitriol toward the other, or when the child is contaminated by the other parent,” Brown Braun pointed out.
Finally, parental indulgence may be to blame. After all, what kid wouldn’t want to go to a parent who always hears “yes”? This is especially true as children grow older and become more independent, Lindner says—they may be attracted to parents who can give them what they want because they enjoy the freedom they provide.
What are the adverse effects?
There is a long list of adverse effects of preference parentism. First, it makes it more difficult for parents to “swap” duties and may result in a lack of bonding time for the rejected parent. It can also seep into parents’ relationships and the example they want to set for their children. In extreme cases, it can certainly dampen family dynamics.
For non-preferred parents, one negative impact can be a very real feeling of sadness. “Rejected parents may take it personally and feel excluded, and they may actually avoid going home or being with their family. Sometimes they inflict their hurt feelings on their children, Say ‘ok!
Preferred parentism can also affect preferred parents in less than ideal ways. The parent may feel resentful at having to do all this and may blame the non-preferred parent for not being involved.
Lindner gives the above example: If a child favors the mother and most of the child’s needs fall on her, she may feel exhausted and overloaded, as if she is doing it all herself. In fact, dad may be happy to do this, but the child resists or throws a tantrum, making it difficult. This goes both ways: Dad may feel favored and overwhelmed, while Mom may feel unwelcome or resentful for being left out.
So, how to deal with favoritism?
Good news! All hope is not lost. The first thing to know is that throughout a child’s life, as they grow, their preferences often change.
Brown Braun believes that it is crucial to tolerate children’s unhappiness when they don’t get the parents they want. “Your child may only be temporarily upset. That’s okay. This is hard for many parents, but acquiescing to their children’s requests undermines their ability to tolerate not getting what they want (including parental choice).”
Instead, try to create opportunities to do things together and share responsibilities. Lindner says doing this in front of children allows them to see cohesive parenting and teamwork. This could be anything from one parent dropping off their kids at school and the other picking them up, to a parent no longer attending sporting events.
For situations where parents are permissive, Brown-Braun offers the following tip to “permissive” parents: “What did Mom/Dad say? Let’s ask him/her.” This allows permissive parents to only get what their children seek to get them. Become the first choice only if you want something (more screen time, another scoop of ice cream, you name it).
For divorced families, it should be established as early as possible that both parents are the “boss” of the family. Brown Braun suggests the following tip: “I know you want to go to your mom’s house because you think she might let you stay up late playing on your iPad, but now you’re at my house. That’s what it is. It’s okay to be unhappy.”
As for what not to do? For non-preferred parents, Lindner warns against making children feel embarrassed or guilty for wanting to spend more time with the other parent. “Let them know that you enjoy spending time with them and look forward to doing so. Let them know that you enjoy seeing how much they love their favorite parents and think it’s great that they have a close relationship. You can let older Older children know that you want to build a close relationship with them, and ask them what they think would be great ways to spend more quality time together.
