There are many reasons why parents disagree about parenting methods. Parenting disagreements between couples happen every day. Sometimes it’s easier to figure out what others should do differently than to think about how to improve yourself. If you work hard on your parenting methods and want them to work, your spouse or partner will want to know your secrets!
1. What do you do if one of you is too tolerant or controlling and the other tries to compensate by going in the opposite direction? (This is often the cause of parenting disagreements)
- First, detach from what others are doing or not doing
- Decide what you can do to be more efficient
- Choose not to put it in the middle
- Teach your children how to handle difficult situations on their own by asking, “What’s one thing you could do differently so dad wouldn’t yell at you?”
- When you find yourself judging what another parent is or isn’t doing, ask yourself, “What could I have done differently?”
- Find ways to support your spouse’s discipline
2. What would you do if you and your partner seemed to be fighting over who was the better parent?
- Stop comparing yourself to your partner now
- Be happy about your differences, not angry about your parenting differences
- Decide to make your partner successful and focus your energy in that direction
- Understand that competition means one person wins and another person loses. Cooperation means win-win. This is the model you want your children to see.
3. What would you do if you had a disagreement about parenting and one parent believed his or her point of view was correct?
- Acknowledge that you chose “right” over intimacy with your partner.
- Decide that your child’s best interests are more important than “being right”
- Choosing a way to make your partner feel valued or wanted in your relationship will help you let go of your need to be “right.” (For example, asking your partner for their opinion or advice on a decision you have to make at work)
- Practice saying, “You’re right!” to your partner and enjoy it
4. What would you do if you felt controlled or dominated by your partner and your children started taking your side and going against your partner?
- Stop holding grudges against your dominant partner (e.g., forgive the hurt you endured)
- Be clear about what you want and what you don’t want, and stay firm and passionate about your preferences
- Recognize that if you don’t ask for what you want, you may be manipulating your partner in indirect ways, which may lead to frustration
- Realize that to control or dominate, you need a volunteer willing to take on the work!
- Make it clear to your child that he does not need to protect you and that you can take care of yourself
Excerpted with permission from the Redirecting Child Behavior workbook Copyright © 1994 INCAF
Take the Redirecting Child Behavior online parenting course that comes with the book, workbook, and Dial Discipline.
