A familiar scene: You’re dragging your shopping bags through the mall, trying to meet up with friends. Then, across the street, walking in the other direction, you see your mother. She waves to you frantically. God, you want to hide.
As a middle-aged woman, I am now on both sides of this exchange. When I was a child I felt utter humiliation and now I feel rejection from a mother who was always ignored.
The children are in elementary school and junior high school, and my recent experience of becoming a mother has taken me back to my own childhood. Whether I’m at Disneyland or thinking about the new kid on the block at an Olivia Rodrigo concert, or wearing ’90s jeans and a crop top at the end of school, I find myself Longing for his past life. How I wish I could return to the Scholastic Book Fair, or experience a freedom that is unreachable on my bike.
“Nostalgia can remind us to live in the present and savor our experiences; it’s a way to connect our past emotional experiences to our present life,” says Seattle psychotherapist Lindsey Ferris.
By midlife, especially when you have adolescent children, it kicks into overdrive.
I’ve noticed that sadness and nostalgia are close cousins. We long for all that was, and all that we miss. Having lost my mother over 23 years ago and having been without her for almost half my life, I know how comforting nostalgia can be. I often go back to the cocoon of my childhood in the eighties. If I hear Dolly and Kenny’s duet, or watch Sesame Street on TV, or taste lemon meringue pie, I can feel my mom beside me. These moments are my sweet refuge in life.
It’s crazy to be a parent and feel like a child at the same time.
When my daughter and I sniff the Sol de Janeiro spray at Sephora, I can’t help but think of shopping with my own mother, going to the Clinique counter and coming home with the infamous toner and yellowish moisturizer. We bonded over the little travel lipsticks and all the free gifts. Years later, I took my nanny money and drove to the store to buy my first Happy perfume and Black Honey lipstick. All of these moments connect my mother, my daughter, and myself.
During this irresistible sandwich season, many of us are clearing out our parents’ attics, filling boxes with photos and keepsakes that remind us of the blessings of a simpler time in our lives—the time our kids are in now. and freedom. Nostalgia can also be a way for us to connect with our past selves and find strength as we bravely move forward on new paths, especially after the death of a parent.
When we feel lonely, feelings of nostalgia can provide a boost. “Nostalgia can help us process grief or reconnect with cherished memories,” Ferris told me. Had a conversation.
It’s crazy to be a parent and feel like a child at the same time. My kids think I’m old because I was born in the 20th century and use Airpods as hearing aids. But when my girls and I heard N’SYNC in the car on the way to soccer practice, wearing baggy jeans, we turned the volume up and sang along. One day I will long for one more memory.
