A few years ago, a friend of mine was going through a very difficult time. She was a single mother of two young children who was struggling financially. Then she went through a bad breakup with her boyfriend. Some mornings she would call me before six o’clock, crying. She had trouble concentrating and settling down. She must be busy all the time and would call me constantly even if I didn’t answer.
It was just too much and I told her I needed space away from friendships. Looking back, I have no sympathy for her situation. I ended up losing a good friend who just needed a little more of me than I could give. I didn’t handle it well; I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t pick herself up and get through it without so much help.
I should have told her in a kind way that I felt suffocated. I could have set firmer boundaries by explaining that I was eliminated, but I would call her when I could.
I pulled out of the friendship because I hadn’t been through anything as hard as hers. But then I did it.
A few years later, I found myself in a similar situation. I felt hopeless and alone and didn’t know where to turn. I was a complete mess, crying all the time, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and just wasn’t myself. It was the most humbling year of my life and I think of her often. Sometimes I wonder if this is karma? There was no reward for using her rights to handle the situation. I have since contacted her and our friendship has been repaired. I apologized and so did she. While I feel better about the way I treated her, I vowed to never give up on a friend going through a hard time again.
I’ve been able to try again: I now have another woman in my life who is going through a difficult time, and I have a completely different attitude about it all. I have stronger boundaries, but I express them in a kind way so I don’t feel resentful. I’m grateful that I’m in a solid place so I can help her. I’m grateful that I got through the hard times and that I could share with her what I was going through and reassure her that whatever she was going through now was temporary. It feels good and much better than leaving someone when they are going through the darkest period of their life.
I’m not proud of what I did to my friend, but I’m proud of what it taught me: that handling it the way I did didn’t feel good, didn’t work for me, that I could do better, and that Do better.
So in defense of a friend in need: I know this can be hard to navigate, but sometimes you can be a friend in need. You will also be extremely grateful to have someone by your side.
Katie Lives in Maine with her three children, two ducks and a golden retriever. When she’s not writing, she’s reading, going to the gym, redecorating her house, or spending way too much money online.
