Redirecting is an alternative to parental punishment. Parents have many choices regarding parenting styles. Are you a strict and disciplined person? Do you expect your children to do what you say, not what you do? Or are you permissive, letting your child do what he or she wants, and fearing your child’s complaints, demands, and pleas? Do you give in to them to avoid having their anger unleashed on you? Maybe you overuse rewards, bribing your children with extrinsic benefits to force them into acceptable behavior.
These parenting styles reflect thousands of years of training in authoritarian societies. Redirecting is a parent’s choice.
We adopt a parenting style that is similar to our parents’, or the exact opposite, with contempt for theirs. This has been passed down from generation to generation since the beginning of culture. Democracy is relatively new to the world, so the parenting styles appropriate to raising children to prepare for this lifestyle are also fairly new. The most effective parenting style for preparing children for life in a democratic society is called “redirection.”
Here are some personal examples of how parents can use redirection to replace punishment, forgiveness, and rewards.
My 5 and 6 year old are running around the house, yelling, screaming, fighting, etc.
I’m busy preparing dinner. I yelled at them to stop (the beginning of the punishment). When that doesn’t work, I’d love to actually let them get it (punishment). Instead, I decided to redirect.
I took a moment to put myself on their level and said: “What can you do to make yourself useful so I can finish dinner?” They decided to sweep the floor together. They immediately settled down and got to work. I was surprised that they also decided to mop the floors and wipe down the windowsills. The chaos is over and we all feel valuable, capable, and proud of our contributions.
My 10 year old has problems when friends come over
Her room would become a disaster zone that she could never seem to clean. Rather than letting her be irresponsible (conniving), I decided to redirect and then have a week-long battle. So we discussed the issue and came up with a mutually agreeable solution. Every 1/2 hour I announce “Check in in 5 minutes!” She and her friends need to organize everything except the stuff they are playing with. The result is a clean room and a child she knows she needs to take charge of to get what she wants.
My 5-year-old son showed me an empty plastic cup after school.
He said he got some chocolate beans (a reward) for counting well. So I said, “Well done, Michael!” and he said, “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter at all!” But he knew intuitively that the reward had nothing to do with his achievement. I told this story to one of my parenting classes and a teacher suggested, “If the teacher counted the chocolate beans, then it would be relevant!”
To learn more about this and other important positive parenting tools based on your child’s age, fill out this form and I’ll send you specific common, normal, annoying behaviors appropriate for their age and stage.
