The following is an excerpt from Chapter 9 – Mommy Friend Forever! (or not) – of Stassi Schroeder’s new book, “You Can’t Have It All: The Essential Guide to Relieving Stress.”
Since I started getting invited to birthday parties in Hartford, my social anxiety has found a new reason to intensify. Based on the stress I experienced leading up to baby and toddler parties, you might think I grew up in a dark cave with zero human contact. A child’s birthday party is a breeding ground for social awkwardness. I mean, for the most part, I don’t know most of the parents. My daughter spent almost the first year of her life at home. So when we go to a party, it feels like I’m walking into some singles hangout, except instead of trying to make some romantic connection, I’m trying to make a mom-friend kind of connection. Or, honestly, just trying to be the best mom version of myself so other moms don’t talk mom shit behind my back. Like single mixers, everything about these parties feels far-fetched. I really don’t know what to say to a new mom at a birthday party. Should I ask her what she does for a living? Did I ask about her parenting style? How long was her labor? Her favorite food? Favorite movie? Is she a free-range parent or a snowplow? I needed someone to point me in the right direction and maybe give me a list of mom-friendly conversation topics.
Let’s start simple.
Is that your child?
If the answer is no, then move on.
If yes, continue with follow-up questions:
Is that your only child? Oh, do you have two? How big is the age difference?
What about under two years old?
Do you all live in the area? Where do the children go to school? Get your kids into the right schools, I mean, it’s like a jungle out there. Amirit?
PS: I have never met a mom who didn’t enjoy sharing or hearing about birth stories and postpartum recovery. Including myself. It’s like we’re all part of some kind of blood ritual ritual or something. So when all else fails, ask her about how her postpartum recovery is going or if she prefers an OB-GYN.
Once we identify a situation, I tend to seek advice. It helps to laugh at yourself. I think moms just want to know that other moms are in crisis too:
My kids won’t eat anything but mac and cheese, what did you do to get your kids to eat grilled seaweed snacks?
We are going through a phase of not sharing and I don’t know what to do. I heard Montessori schools teach that children don’t have to share?
If these lead nowhere, you can always look around and see if there’s anything worth noting. For example:
Wow this playground is really bad and I wish the city would spend our tax dollars to fix it.
or:
Did you hear about the house on Braun Street being broken into a few days ago? Yeah, they never caught the guy.
Honorable mentions:
So, do you like wine?
My favorite part of mom talk is when it finally becomes pop culture. I want to know what shows they binge-watch, which celebrity’s breakup they’re sad about, who their favorite Tik-Toker is. I would find a way to test the waters, like “OMG, your daughter’s hair looks just like Ariana Grande’s, so beautiful!” If the mom’s response is “Oh, thanks. By the way. Bottom line, I couldn’t believe that the man she was having an affair with was married and had a baby, and then I found out she was my mom’s friend.
You Can’t Have It All: The Essential Guide to Relieving Stress go through Stacey Schroeder Available now.
Copyright © 2024 Stacey Schroeder. Reprinted with permission from Gallery Books, a division of Simon & Schuster, LCC.
