Today is Easter and I’m celebrating at my ex-husband’s house. Since it was his week with the kids, he was in charge of the festivities. Not a bunny decoration in sight. Instead of a hearty traditional ham dinner served on Auntie’s special china, we celebrated with simple tacos. Instead of dyeing traditional eggs like I prefer, he bought plastic eggs with candy inside.
Does he do things the same way I do at home? Absolutely not. But you know what? Our kids had a great time and we spent time together and actually had a lot of fun. The most important thing is–this is something my married self couldn’t imagine–I Without lifting a finger. I got to sleep in, spend time with the kids, give them hugs, and watch a movie while their dad cleaned the kitchen.
As I lay on the couch covered in blankets and the kids looked at me princess brideI wonder when was the last time I was able to take a break during the holidays. This is definitely something I did as a kid. Now, every other holiday is like this for me, all thanks to a revelatory little document called The Parenting Plan.
If you file for divorce with children, at least in my state, you need to fill it out together, which forces you and your soon-to-be ex to plan how to care for your children. The parenting plan allowed my partner to step up and take on 50% of the household and parenting responsibilities. That same parenting plan made me realize that if I really wanted to lighten my mental load and lighten my invisible labor, I needed to give up control.
In the process of filling out this document, and having the difficult but productive conversations required, it occurred to me that this exercise might be useful after we get married.
Will he do everything like me? Not nearly. But is this a bad thing? It turns out, not at all.
The story of the end of our marriage is a familiar one: Before we had children, we had a strong and happy partnership. But once there’s a baby to care for, a huge transformation happens. We have the same education and work in the same field, but he makes more money (thank you, wage gap!), and since I’m the one having the kids, I’ve lowered my career, worked part-time, and stayed at home Be there for our children. My office became my kids’ room. I was responsible for cleaning, doing the laundry, getting up and going to bed (after all, I was dedicated to nursing!), and by the time four years of nursing ended, our division of labor was so ingrained that nothing had really changed.
I was starting to resent all of the above and he was resenting working full time. You know the rest: I was too tired and exhausted to take care of myself and wasn’t giving him as much attention as I used to. He began to have more fun with those who had the time and energy to play. As we try to rebalance tasks at home, we don’t know what to do to keep both of us happy. Throw in a pandemic and before you know it, our 14-year relationship is in jeopardy and we’re checking apartment listings on government websites and printing divorce papers.
After years of struggle and tension, it was the paperwork that finally got us to where we needed to be. Our romantic relationship never recovered, but the parenting plan we downloaded finally enabled us to find an equitable co-parenting partnership.
So much so that if you’re struggling in your marriage like we are, does it hurt to fill out parenting plan paperwork just to see what happens? No. In fact, we have Doing it in this meticulous way will keep you committed to the plan and moving forward.
First, the plan gives you a clear outline of who will be the default parent each day. We have a 50/50 hosting and trading week – anything that happens during my week is my responsibility and vice versa.
This meant that for the first time, my husband had to do 50% of the meals, 50% of the dishes, and 50% of the laundry (etc.). Did you know? He did a great job. Is it painful sometimes to let him learn, to watch him do things wrong, and to accept that he does things his own way? Absolutely. But it’s also definitely worth the parenting equity that comes with it.
Maybe if we all filled out divorce papers, there would be fewer divorces and more Easter tacos.
Parenting planning also prompts couples to discuss important issues simultaneously and then clarify and document your positions on those issues. That means we have to discuss whether to allow our children to get tattoos, join the military, or marry young. We have to talk about vaccines, school enrollment, and religion. . Once that was done, we knew exactly where we were. We settled so many longstanding arguments in one fell swoop.
The plan also breaks down money issues – who is responsible for what and why it is fair. We had to sit down together and agree on a plan that was fair and workable, and once that was done, our resentment finally began to subside.
The plan also lists holidays and requires you to make plans for each one. We agreed to split the money, and in that moment, I knew he would soon learn how much work goes into days like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter.
Will he do everything like me? Not nearly. But is this a bad thing? It turns out, not at all.
Parents do many things to prepare their children for their arrival into the world. We carefully fill their nurseries, read parenting books, and babyproof our homes. If we also sit down with our partners, really – I mean real ——Developed a detailed, fair, and black and white parenting plan? One that is mutually agreeable and a way for everyone to succeed? Someone to share the mental burdens and long nights with? One that allows everyone to learn and raise their children in their own way?
Maybe if we all filled out divorce papers, there would be fewer divorces and more Easter tacos.
