When my ex and I separated ten years ago, we were very clear about one thing: our children came first. They take precedence over how we feel about each other, our new partner, and any hurt, sadness, or mourning we experience. What matters is our children Not caught in the crossfire of our divorce. As parents, I’m so proud of us; we’re doing a great job with our three kids. Not a perfect one, but a very good one.
But I got something else out of it Here’s what I didn’t expect: My ex would still help me when I needed it. Of course, a lot of it has to do with his kids 90% of the time at my house. He is a very capable man and knows many trustworthy contractors. So if I need advice on why my boiler is running or why my water bill has gone through the roof, or if I find shingles on my roof blowing away around my yard, he’s happy to take a look or help find someone who can fix it right away. The price is fair.
If I’m going away for the weekend and can’t find a dog sitter, he’s happy to let the kids bring the dog to his house because it’s their pet after all, and I do the same for him. If I need advice on something big like retirement accounts or if I’m not sure how to handle my kids’ behavior, he’s the first person I call.
My ex-husband does this for his kids; it really doesn’t work for me. He wants them to have a mother who sleeps at night so she can be a good mother. If I need to ask him for advice on, say, what car I should buy, he has no problem because he feels included in their lives, like he lives with them full-time.
It means a lot to me too.
Our biggest goal when we broke up was to keep our kids’ lives as normal as possible. This means we have to put our painful feelings aside, communicate, and help each other. In turn, it builds trust and my kids know that my ex and I are on the same page. We support each other when it comes to them because they are the most important people in our lives.
Now, we still have a partnership. This is different than when we were married, we had to work to get here. We learned that communication and respecting each other’s boundaries are key to keeping this ship sailing. Somehow we work better than before. It creates a sense of security for them and us. If you ask me, this is the best gift we can give them…whether we get married or not.
Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.
