My so-called “nest” has been emptied three times so far, only to be filled again by the global pandemic, sky-high housing costs, and layoffs. Currently, one of my children in their 20s lives with me and the other lives in another state. The kid in the family would rather have her own place, I get it; she likes the independence and general sense of maturity of living in her own apartment. But what about me? I’m happy with the status quo.
When I was young, I couldn’t wait to move out. I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone. I want to spread my wings and go on adventures! Doing something cool that might shock my lovely parents. When I left college, I came home just as often. Except for one summer, I never lived “home” again.
When I was younger, I lived in a variety of houses, some alone and some with roommates. I go to music festivals and enjoy long road trips. It’s easy! I never struggled to find a job that would allow me to pay rent. My needs are few, but I can meet them all. Life is so different now. My kids can barely afford rent, let alone take risks. Living alone is a luxury.
Our dynamic is different than what I shared with my parents. I wouldn’t say my kids are my friends because that sounds weird. I know the boundaries of our relationship, and as a mother, there are certain topics I should avoid. But the level of tacit understanding between us is different from that of my own parents. This could be a generational difference, or the result of being a single parent. For whatever reason, we stayed close in a different way that made them more willing to stay.
Honestly? My daughters are the only people I really want to share my space with.
First of all, they are hilarious. They make me laugh like no one else. One of them cooked me delicious meals and taught me music, of which she had an encyclopedic knowledge. Another involved me in her projects, from building copper pipe hangers to creating intricate aquascapes. They were funny and they seemed to think I was funny.
We give each other a lot of space and I’m always happy to have them around. We don’t really have rules anymore; they are adults making their own decisions. I occasionally give it a nudge when it comes to housework, but now it’s framed as what us things that need to be done to maintain our A place where you feel comfortable. We have a lot of space so we don’t overlap each other. While I seem to be the one constantly emptying the dishwasher and taking out the trash, my daughter does more of the grocery shopping and cooking. There’s a balance, but I can still coddle a little, and that brings me joy.
Multi-generational living has been the norm throughout human history and is not only accepted but expected in many cultures. This American notion of independence at all costs has done our society no good. On the one hand, we are alone. As we enter our empty nest years, we are especially lonely. While moving out and settling down is an important sign of adulthood for many people, the reality is that it’s not the right choice for many young people.
There is a lot of negativity and stereotypes surrounding kids who swing back home or never leave in the first place. But it’s time to abandon the old stereotype of failed young people living in their parents’ basements.
Parents aren’t always eager to take their kids out, either. If they prioritize spending time with their adult children, it doesn’t mean they need more friends or better hobbies. I cherish this extra time. Honestly, I’m glad to see them doing so well. After all the hard work of raising children, shouldn’t we enjoy the wonderful people we raise?
Our ideas about family have been changing over the past few decades, and I’m here to make the case for intergenerational living. Who says children have to leave home to become “real” adults? Or do parents who like to stay home with their children need to have their own lives? My daughter will move out as soon as she can afford it, but until then I’m happy that my nest is cluttered and full.
Julia Williamson Is the mother of two adult daughters. She’s a freelance writer, a decluttering wizard, and a die-hard optimist, no matter what reality brings. Read more in her weekly newsletter, family and other freaks.
