It happens to all of us sometimes. Your sibling, your best friend, even your own parent or child, brings home a new partner – and you simply can’t stand them. Maybe they constantly bring up the fact that they have money, or they are rude to the waiters, or the arrogance just leaks out of their pores. Anyway, you’re all good, thank you. But what do you do when you really don’t like your loved one’s partner? We asked a relationship expert when it’s time to speak up and tell a friend how you feel, and when it’s best to keep your opinions to yourself.
If you are worried about your friend’s safety
First, think carefully about why you don’t like this person. Are you just not attracted to your new boyfriend or girlfriend, or are you genuinely worried about your friend’s safety and well-being? Your answers will determine your next steps, but if you suspect abuse, you should definitely talk to your loved one immediately.
“I would say something out loud to your friend if you were worried about their safety,” says Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist and sex and relationships expert. “I would really look at how much you care about them and how hard you work to protect them.”
Marin warns to be prepared for resistance — most people in relationships can’t see the dynamics the way an outsider can because their feelings are affected. “These conversations are always very difficult. You have to be prepared that your friend may be very unhappy with you and may even sever their friendship with you. If this is the direction things go, do whatever you can to make sure your friend Know that you will help and support them in any way possible.
If your first impression of them was bad
That said, Marin feels that most people don’t like their friends’ partners for other reasons—they’re annoying, or they’re rude to you, or they’re just annoying in some way. If something goes wrong after you first meet, Marin’s expert advice is to do the exact opposite of what you might want her to say. You need to spend more time with this person before forming an opinion.
“We’re naturally protective of our friends. We want the best for our friends, and partners often know that, and they may feel nervous, a little nervous. I think everyone, when you meet up with your friends, your partner, Might act a little annoying, awkward, or weird because they’re actually trying really hard to get you to like them. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt. Try spending a little more time with them and see how they behave towards you. Do some of these behaviors decrease when you feel comfortable.
if them suck
Look, not everyone on the planet is cut out to get along. Although it’s hard to imagine that your close friend or family member would choose a partner who is so different from everyone else they know, what they are looking for in a romantic relationship may be completely different from what they need in a friendship. As Marin said, “Two very nice, wonderful people sometimes just don’t get along.”
In short, if you think your friend’s boyfriend is super annoying, don’t tell her. “If you just don’t get along with your friend’s partner and you think they’re a little annoying or whatever, I honestly wouldn’t say anything. There’s really nothing good to be done about it,” Marin said. “If your friend really likes this person, saying you don’t like them that much won’t have that big of an impact. You’re actually just putting your friend on the defensive and possibly even cutting off contact with you. That’s not at all It’s worth saying something, and it’s not your place to say anything.
Instead of broaching the topic with your friends, Marin says, take a step back and reset your own expectations. “Realize that it’s okay if you don’t truly love your friend’s partner as long as they treat your friend well. Just like you shouldn’t have a friend’s partner that you absolutely love.
If there’s something more substantive about why you don’t like this friend – like they made a weird comment to you that made you uncomfortable – you can certainly draw some lines. If you have serious concerns, maybe you share them with friends, or maybe they’re just something you keep to yourself. “Make an agreement with yourself, such as ‘I don’t want to allow myself to spend time with this person who makes me feel really uncomfortable, so I will only hang out with my friends one-on-one or alone. When we are with While other friends were hanging out.
