This is an old story, a bright-eyed young man marries into a family, Prosperity: The conflict with the new mother-in-law begins. Maybe it started with a sarcastic comment about the neatness of your home, or maybe it really blossomed when the kids spent more time with your own parents. Neither of you are going anywhere, but it’s hard to know what to do when you don’t like your mother-in-law – either improve your relationship or at least stop letting her push you over the edge.
Of course, knowing exactly what to do here depends on why you don’t like your MIL. Do you differ politically or religiously? Is she a little picky? Or is she actually being emotionally abusive? Once you’ve narrowed down what’s bothering you, you can take some steps in the right direction.
What to do if you don’t like your mother-in-law
Talk to your spouse about what’s bothering you (and use “I” statements when doing so).
It’s easy for partners to assume that the other person knows what they need and feel about certain things, but how often do we actually express it clearly? Together you can develop ways to ease your relationship with your MIL.
“For example, if my mother-in-law shows up unexpectedly and it annoys me, I might say, ‘I get frustrated when people show up unannounced. What I need moving forward is a sufficient reminder.’ When we use ‘I ” When we state, we have the opportunity to express our feelings. Many times, “your” language can be a little harmful. If I say, ‘You make me feel…’, this usually escalates the situation.
Practice stopping techniques.
DeLanoit says when your MIL makes passive-aggressive comments about your house being untidy and you feel your anxiety or anger starting to rise, stop it. Here’s the thing:
- Stop
- timecatch my breath
- oxygenServe
- phosphorusRosid
“Anxiety likes to go fast; it’s like you jump on a train and it rolls,” she says. Allow yourself to pause, take a deep breath, and observe. ‘Well, that pisses me off; it triggers me. Then I continue. “Maybe I need to step away, maybe I need to take a timeout, maybe I need to ask my spouse to come into the room and talk to me.” Whatever the situation is, it’s just assessing the situation. Responding to reaction with reaction is not helpful.
This may not be a long-term way to stop passive-aggressive comments, but it can help keep the peace at a family gathering until you get home and figure out your next steps.
Be willing to talk to your mother-in-law about this in person.
It might feel easier to let your spouse take care of your mother, but Delanoit says it creates a “triangular relationship” that only adds to the friction. Delanoit had her own clients write an unfiltered letter to their mother-in-law—not to send it, but to take it to therapy. Then, together, they came up with “confident, effective ways” to say what needed to be said.
Start by contacting your MIL and stating that you see good intentions behind their actions. “My mother-in-law was watching my kid while he was having breakfast and he ate an apple and started choking because that’s what toddlers do,” Delanoit said, sharing her own experience. “So she wiped his mouth with her finger, and I came out and I was like, ‘What happened?’ And she said, ‘Oh, he was choking, and I swiped my finger across his mouth,’ and I was like “We don’t use finger sweeps. That’s not what we do. I could have escalated, but I took advantage of the situation and said, ‘Looking ahead, this is the pediatrician’s advice. Down for a back blow.
Maybe it might be a bit difficult for you. It’s hard to see the good intentions behind cynicism about the cleanliness of your home. But DeLanoit says 99.9 percent of mothers-in-law get up in the morning with the sole purpose of ruining your day. It’s worth having a conscious conversation to see how you can improve the relationship going forward.
How to tell if your mother-in-law is really toxic
The word toxic is thrown around a lot these days. Psychology Today says you know a person is toxic when they don’t respect boundaries and show no remorse when manipulating, abusing, or draining those around them. How do you know when your relationship with your MIL is actually abusive, or just…incompatible with each other?
“Anytime we interact with our parents or in-laws, if it creates more stress than neutrality or joy and makes you feel exhausted, I would say that would be an indicator to step back and evaluate the situation,” Delanoit said. If you conclude that your MIL is indeed toxic, it may be helpful to seek guidance from a counselor. They may not be able to change your relationship for the better or turn your mother-in-law into a saint, but they can certainly help you get through it and take care of yourself along the way.
Whether your MIL is just a PITA or she’s truly toxic, know that there are steps you can take to improve the relationship or set some boundaries to protect your sanity.
