Deborah Godfrey
When two people get married and decide to have children, they rarely talk about the specific details of how they plan to raise those children. When a couple disagrees about parenting, most people take a “fact on the matter” approach. It reads: “My parents raised me x, y, or z, and I turned out well, and I will raise my children the same way.” Although the good guy they married had the same thoughts and attitudes, that parent was raised with a, b, and c parenting.
So the real problems begin when these two parents have a two-year-old and their parenting styles begin to clash. What often happens when these spouses disagree about parenting is that one parent tends to be stricter and the other parent is more lenient. Strict parents get angry when loose parents allow too much leeway. Permissive parents get upset when strict parents are too strict. Thus, strict parents become stricter and lenient parents become more permissive.
Today, parents are constantly debating how to discipline.
Children spend a whole day misbehaving in this dynamic, learning to antagonize one parent and act out. The relationship between parents is the most important. In other words, how both parents raise their children together needs to be more important than the parenting skills of either parent. I cover this topic and more in my Positive Parenting online recorded course.
What do you do when a couple disagrees about parenting?
It would be great if parents could have a conversation about the nuts and bolts of raising children, especially how to handle discipline and behavioral issues. However, most parents don’t understand the context of this discussion until they are actually raising their own children. One of the pieces of advice I give to couples trying to have a baby is, “What would we do in this situation?” discussion. Observe other parents and their children. Then discuss how you each would like to handle the situation. This can give you a lot of information about how your partner plans to raise your future children. For those of us who are married, we can use this idea to get to know our partners better.
In situations where discussing your child turns into a fight, try looking at another parent’s problem with their child. Then discuss together how this parent could have done things differently and what each of you would do in this situation. It’s easier to know what others should do, so be sure to bring the discussion back to yourself. Learn how to apply these suggestions to the challenges your child faces.
For example, I’ve always had a hard time knowing where to draw the line with my 17-year-old daughter.
I’m not sure how much my husband (her stepfather) wants or needs to be involved in the heated discussions she and I often have. A friend of ours had a similar, if not more extreme, problem with his son. So did his wife, stepmother, and my husband’s parents. I asked my husband what he thought the stepmother’s role was, how involved she should be in the situation, and what she should do. His answer was interesting and beyond my expectations. This guides me in deciding how much I can and should involve my husband in the issues I have with my daughter.
There’s one major move that can get you two back on track.
A couple realizes they are sabotaging each other’s parenting and are willing to work on it. There is one major move that can get you two back on track. If you create a dynamic where one becomes strict and the other becomes more relaxed, you may hate this advice, but it works. In fact, it’s the only way to get the two of you back on the same parenting team. That’s it: Strict parents become parenting leaders. In disciplinary situations, loose parents must follow the lead of strict parents**. you cannot Do it the other way around! If you follow this advice, the two of you will start to grow closer.
When a strict parent is supported, he or she can stop overcompensating for the other person’s tolerance.
Strict parents become more flexible and generous in their parenting. Often, permissive parents believe that children are not suffering when, in fact, children benefit from the stricter parents’ stricter rules and structure. Permissive parents can learn to be more assertive in their parenting and become closer to the same team as strict parents. Now you both are loving and steadfast parents who support each other. You can be confident that the other person is disciplining the child with the best intentions, actions, and results. You can have a helpful discussion about how to treat your children. Each of you can feel like there is someone there for you when parenting gets tough. Doesn’t it sound better?
Parents’ relationship sets an example for how the entire family should relate to each other
A couple who has a loving, supportive relationship, supports each other as parents, but has limited parenting skills will have better children than a couple who is at war but knows all the latest and greatest parenting tools and skills. The relationship between parents sets an example for how the entire family should relate to each other. As a role model and leader, it has more influence than other dynamics in the family. So, if your relationship has taken a backseat to kids, it might be time to reschedule that date night. Spend more time connecting as a couple at the beginning and end of each day and attend some couples counseling if necessary. These things will benefit your child more than reading parenting books or taking parenting classes. After you recommit to getting your relationship on track, be sure to read this book and take the course!
**If the strict parent is abusive, please seek help from a hotline, a counselor, or a therapist and do not follow this advice**
Deborah has taught parenting classes and seminars for over 25 years. She is passionate about parenting, relationships, and children.
