“Merry Christmas, honey,” my husband said, handing me a stuffed “Happy Birthday” gift bag. It wasn’t my birthday, it was my first Christmas as a mum – in fact, I was only three months old. My mind raced through a list of gifts that might be included in a rainbow-colored bag, thinking of anything from a new pair of comfy slippers (my feet were swollen from my last pair due to pregnancy) to maybe even one item. jewelry.
“Thank you!” I screamed excitedly. I quickly tried to wipe away some of the glitter that had transferred from the gift bag to my hand and reached inside. Maybe a robe? To my surprise it was a pair of bathroom rugs.
I laughed; I’ll admit it. I thought it was a joke. “Thank you, this is only “What do I need,” I told him, hoping he would laugh. It’s all happened.
“The incident” he was talking about happened one or two days after my son and I were discharged from the hospital. My rickety, slow-moving body, freshly cut open during my C-section, couldn’t reach the toilet in time, causing everything a postpartum woman excretes to end up in the diaper or toilet instead of flowing out onto us. So, he was right – we did need new carpet. But I bought some online about an hour after “that” happened, and they’ve been sitting around for a few months. When I gently reminded him of this, he suggested we keep these as a backup.
A bit shocked. I’ve gone from personal gifts I received years ago (like a sweater or a book I had my eye on) to bathroom rugs. You know, in case I accidentally drop some uterine lining on top of our current uterine lining.
While it was an odd choice, it was well thought out. Also, I remind myself, I do have the greatest gift my son has ever been.. But I’d be lying if I said it would be nice to have some slippers or gift cards besides my son.
I thought the rugs were an anomaly, but soon discovered they were designed for my new role as a mother. Not just from my husband but from other people around me. Whether it’s Christmas, my birthday, or even Mother’s Day, everything I receive seems to come straight from a wedding registry. It’s not even *my* wedding registry!
Gifts I received over the next few years included sheets (for the guest room, not even for my husband and I), a meat thermometer (I’m a vegetarian), a bread machine (I have a severe gluten allergy), and Assorted towels. Hands, kitchen, bathroom…I have a few now. Let me be clear: I don’t turn my nose up at these gifts. I’m grateful for everything I’ve been given. What’s really weird is that everyone in my life goes from giving me personal gifts that, while not always practical, are fun and indulgent, to seeming to treat me like a closet of homewares that needs to be filled.
It all started on my first holiday after my baby left my body. More specifically, when I transitioned from Becky to the more generic title of “someone’s mom.”
Many women, myself included, struggle with their identity after becoming a mother. Am I still “me”? Do I need to make any changes now that I have a baby? Is it possible to remain myself and add motherhood to my life, or will life as I know it disappear and I’ll just be a mother? These are questions I’ve been grappling with since my son was born, and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Once we have children, society seems to put us in a box labeled “mom” and push us aside. We are no longer unique beings, no longer the artists, athletes, or executives we once thought we were. We are just moms.
The gifts we received are just one small example. We are no longer one person; we are a whole family. Through childbirth, we abandon ourselves and become a whole family.
So now, I’m speaking out and encouraging you to do the same. If you love red lipstick, let everyone know that you still want to receive red lipstick for your birthday. Or at least a Sephora gift card! If you have to make a very specific holiday wish list to remind everyone around you, make sure you do it.
Unless, of course, you really need a meat thermometer.
Becky Vieira Wearing mom jeans since 2016. Releasing her debut in 2023and can often share intimate details of her life on Instagram. While she was stuck in the car, she came up with the idea of peeing in her son’s diaper instead of her pants, which made her very proud. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband, son, dog, three cats, and a partridge in a pear tree.
