Before your child starts school, you may be trying to stay realistic about their behavior and performance. You accept that they aren’t always perfect angels—that you’re bound to get a phone call from school or a note in your kid’s den about an errant meltdown. If you think your child might be gifted, it may take you a lot of time and thought before you allow yourself to do so seriously Think about it. But if you know your child is very smart (even gifted) and they arrive at school and seem to be really struggling, this may not occur to you.
Sure, you’ve heard that bright kids often need additional resources to succeed and may face challenges as they advance in their academic careers. You might even expect some minor social hiccups in the context that smart kids are often bored, and bored kids may have trouble socializing with kids their own age. Sometimes, however, bright kids are literally where they belong academically…but they still struggle.
Even if you’re not a perfectionist, seeing your child flail can be concerning. It’s hard to know if this is an adjustment period, if they’re just having a bad test day, or if something more important could be going on. The reality is that countless problems, no matter how big or small, can affect your little Einstein’s performance in school. It is important that you work with the educators in your child’s life now to provide support.
“When toddlers and preschoolers seem to learn easily and naturally, when they enjoy the company of other children, and generally behave well at home, parents understandably expect them to do well in school. They often do, but they don’t This is always the case, but not in all learning environments,” said Jeanne Huybrechts, chief academic officer at Stratford Schools.
Huybrechts continues, “So when bright, talented children work hard or demonstrate learning in school, or when they exhibit behaviors at school that impede learning or relationship development, parents have the right response to provide guidance and Support so that they can enjoy all the benefits of school, parents should expect that their children’s teachers, who have similar wishes and expectations for their children, will work with them.
Why Is my child having difficulty learning at school?
“Bright, high-functioning children may struggle with written assessments for a variety of reasons, including undiagnosed learning or attention differences, poor test-taking skills or lack of preparation, and internal (perfection),” Hubrechts said. Similarly, reasons for children “misbehaving” in school and at home include lack of stimulation (boredom), unmet needs for autonomy or agency, undiagnosed neurodivergence (such as ADHD), or Social anxiety caused or amplified by transition—from one transition to another. I’ve seen it many times!
Break it down:
- Undiagnosed learning/attention differences
- Poor test taking skills/inadequate preparation
- Anxiety (from multiple places)
- boring
- unmet agency
What should you do if your child is having trouble at school?
“Continue to talk to your child and make sure the conversations with your child are inclusive and low-stakes,” advises Toby Walker, vice president of private schools at BASIS. “This way, they can feel comfortable talking about what’s going on at school, knowing that you trust and support them. For example, if you’ve already established a routine with your child, you can start this conversation so your child feels comfortable talking about what they might Worry. Some parents often talk to their children while walking to the bus, or maybe you have time to talk together as a family after dinner.
Think of talking to your children as a “fact-finding mission.” In most cases, you and your child may not be able to solve the problem together. But a low-key, no-pressure chat can help uncover issues you may not have known existed. You may be able to offer some ideas on how the two of you can work together to solve the problem, but remember the adage “it takes a village.”
“It’s important not to be afraid to have conversations with your student’s teachers and school about concerns you or your child may have,” Walker reminds. “Good teachers and good schools want to know what’s going on at home and at school. Don’t be afraid to open those lines of communication.
Gigi Schweikert, parenting and education expert and CEO of Lightbridge Academy, agrees that communication is crucial. “It’s important for parents to express to teachers the issues their children may be facing. This is something the teacher may already be trying to address in the classroom, and parents and teachers can work together to develop a plan so their children can be successful.
How to help your child succeed without adding stress?
“Parents can support young children who are struggling behaviorally or academically by establishing structured routines, celebrating small accomplishments, and providing emotional validation to help them grow in confidence,” Schweikert advises. “Break tasks into small chunks. Chunky, manageable steps prevent becoming overwhelmed, and open communication ensures children feel understood. Patience is key because progress takes time and every child learns differently. Schedule fun and relaxing breaks. Time is also important and can help re-adjust children so they are more willing to learn.
You probably already know how to break things down into smaller tasks at home. It’s not “clean your room,” it’s “pick up your book,” and “put your laundry in the basket.” But too often we sit our kids down to work on a packet of homework without really considering how overwhelming it can be. Try suggesting doing one worksheet or topic now and then taking a “brain break” before starting another.
Hubrechts refers to unsatisfied agency or autonomy. The way the school is structured, there isn’t much room for choice. If strict demands are stressful for your child, find other ways to give them choices:
- “Would you rather do your math homework or science homework first?”
- “Do you want a Halloween pencil or a glitter pencil?”
- “Would you like to help me pick out warm clothes for school tomorrow?”
When is it necessary to hire a doctor, therapist, or other specialist?
“Ideally, the responsibility for solving school problems should lie with children, parents, and teachers because they best understand the actual situation and are best able to identify root causes, implement solutions, and provide feedback and encouragement to each other.” Hubrechts explain. “It can take some time, monitoring, learning and unlearning. I’ve worked with middle school students who for some reason had very ineffective study and organization methods. They spent a lot of time preparing and studying for tests that only served to Disappointment and having to ‘forget’ in order to move on.
So, when do you escalate a problem so your child gets more help?
“If as a parent you feel that your child’s teacher may not be able to provide the guidance you need due to lack of experience, you can always escalate to a principal or counselor,” Huybrechts advises. “But hopefully this is an unused option because principals won’t know your child as well as their teachers. Of course, if your child’s teacher or principal suggests that your child’s learning or behavioral challenges have a neurological or psychological basis, You should see a professional in the field. A good school can usually refer you to someone.
If you think your child may be neurodivergent, speak to your child’s teacher immediately. No doubt they have worked with dozens or hundreds of children over the years and may be able to confirm or deny your concerns. If you think they’re wrong, push further. Talk to your child’s doctor. Many schools have therapists and counselors who can also talk to your child, read better, and help you determine next steps.
“After working directly with teachers, when difficulties continue to arise in the classroom, I recommend talking to outside help,” Schweikert shared. “At this time, which can put additional pressure on extended families, help from outside the classroom can help bring new perspectives and solutions.”
Remember, whether it’s simply relearning, finding new ways to learn, or your child receiving a new diagnosis, it’s not the end of the world. The sooner you identify a problem and work to fix it, the better your child’s chances of success later in school and life.
